----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fertility . . . can be very humiliating. From the tests to find out why you can't have kids to talking about it with others.
Most recently I have found peace in approaching infertility with humility and humor.
Humility because not every one has physical absences to show what they struggle with on a daily basis. The mere omission of children from our family was, for a long time, cause for comments from others. Now, it is the "when are you going to get a brother for that kid of yours?"
Not long ago, I would have liked to hit the person back when comments were made like that. Now, I have healed to a point where it doesn't bother me as much. It still bothers me to a certain point because I have little control over getting a brother or sister for Everett. But, I am learning to have hope. And that surprises me.
But, I am talking about humility first.
Humility to listen to others who care about me and hear that they care about me rather than only hear the un-understanding that they carry.
Humility to listen to those around me that help me--doctors, social workers, ecclesiastical leaders, and my husband. Infertility is VERY alienating.
Humility to know that Heavenly Father will help. He will. I do know this to be true. And, yes, it may seem that I can say that because I am sitting pretty with my own baby, Everett. Everett sleeping in the next room as a physical reminder that He helps. But, getting pregnant is one help. Healing hurts is another help. Knowing that He understands when no one else does is a help. Finding the necessary resources to have the chance to have Everett is a help. He has helped me with all of those things just as He helps those around me in similar and dissimilar ways.
Humility to know that letting go of the hurt and the anger will not leave me less armoured against the pain.
And, with humility, I need humor.
Humor.
Anyone who knows me knows my laugh. It is loud and very noticeable. When I taught school, my colleagues would comment that they could always hear me down the hall when I laughed.
Anyone who knows me knows I love to laugh.
Humor heals. And sometimes humor is hard.
I don't have a magical equation or potion for humor, sorry. When I am at the worst, it is usually at the doctor's office, and I turn all the "usual" doctor resources into farm animals. You know, blowing up the latex glove and making a chicken . . . reminiscent of making a turkey out of your hand for Thanksgiving.
And, sometimes, humor around this topic is irreverent and uncomfortable for others.
For a long time, when someone would ask us why we don't have kids and wouldn't let up, Erik would say, "It is cause I have bad aim." Later, his comment evolved to,"It is cause I am shooting blanks." And, I would usually chuckle and the other person would either 1)LAUGH or 2)shut-up. Either way, I was fine with it.
But, I am better with humor when I recognize that this one stressful moment is just that, a moment. I am better with humor when I don't take myself seriously. I am better with humor when I acknowledge the humiliating nature of infertility problems and decide to find ways to laugh more when going through them.
Like how crazy I get when I am on hormones. When I was on hormones for the 2006 IVF, the following made me cry:
- The song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.
- The song "Red Wine" as in "red, red, wine." I would hysterically sob when I heard this one.
- The 2 second clip from a promo for "The Amazing Race" where the couple sitting in a helicopter turns to one another and says, "I can't imagine doing this with anyone else but you." Cried like a baby when I saw that one.
Update on our FET process: Hormones are going as well as expected. I was pretty horrible on Saturday, but everyone survived. I am experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms that you can think of, and yes, it includes that one,too.
Something that I thought was funny--It is an IVF maternity shirt.
What a crack up!
