Mother's Day and a Remedial Realization

March 2012

It has been a doozy for me for the past several months.  Seriously.

I am finally at the end of the tunnel, coming out of the worst of it.  Physically, I am still limited but am able to do more each week.  Like, today, I used the *real* vacuum cleaner to clean up the living room.  Please pull yourself off the floor from fainting in awe.

This weekend is Mother's Day Weekend.  At the beginning of the year, as I was planning the special music selections for Sacrament for our ward, I was prompted to have a group of women perform on Mother's Day.  And, was prompted to have them sing, not just a random song, but "Come Take a Little Hand."  So, since the past couple of months have been filled with making it happen--from getting the music approved, to recruiting women to sing, to our practices, I've kind of been thinking about Mother's Day for awhile.

I've written about Mother's Day previously on this blog.
In 2008
In 2010

 I have always been inarticulately grateful for my miracle boys.  Right now, Erik and the boys are sleeping in a tent on the living room floor.  All three of them are snoring away, loudly.  I love it! 

The reality is pretty clear. I have had the children that I am to have at this point.  I don't have this driven feeling that "there is one more child out there for our family" or the "our family is complete feeling" as some women have.  And, as I come across women that complain about their children or bemoan the fact that they can't help but get pregnant all the time . . . well, I just find myself in a place of not understanding, again. 

As comments are made around the number of children people have and the idea that a woman with more children has more worth than that "lessly numbered woman" . . . well, I get all twitchy again.  Worth is never tied to a number, a race, a gender, an education level, or a haircolor.  We are each of infinite worth.  I *know* this.  And, yet, anger and doubt still creep in when I think of what I really want to do and the reality of what I can do.

Yesterday, while collecting dirty laundry, I had an impression of truth that most of you will think is remedial.  Most of my quest in understanding my struggle with infertility has been around, "Maybe God just doesn't think it is the right time."  An inherently flawed notion since it lines me up for the idea that *sometime* in this life will be the "right time." 

Yesterday, a whisper with a strong feeling of confirmation and contentment:  The blessings and challenges that come to families that have many children are not the blessings and challenges that Heavenly Father has in store for you in this life. 

And, for the first time, ever, I felt at peace with my infertility.  Even, excited at being able to understand and put to rest the feelings of churning or turmoil that I experience with not understanding.  I am ready to let go, to embrace being different, to be okay with the phrase "you only have two . . . ."

Yesterday, as I walked down the stairs with the boys' laundry box, I was in awe.  Maybe, I have finally matured to a point that will bring lasting peace with accepting that it is fine that a most deep seated desire will be unfulfilled in this life. 

I will most likely never know why I was prompted to pull an awesome group of women together and sing a specific song on Mother's Day.  But, I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me and the plan that He has for my life is best for me.  That He has other blessings and challenges in line for me and that they are the blessings and challenges that I need to experience.

At least, that is the best way I can describe it right now.

Rally for Higher Countertops

I am super tall. 

Sometimes I wish I lived in an environment that was better designed for tall people.  If I did, I'd hit my head less (keep in mind when you read the next paragraph), comfort of taller toilets-Hello, ATMs and keypads at stores would be easier to use because I could see the blasted numbers or directions, and cooking in my kitchen would leave me with fewer backaches because of the counter height . . . .

Even more unlikely than changing my house and community to be geared toward the 6 feet tall crowd would be transforming my body into becoming athletically awesome.  Like, I am a super klutz.  really.  I have been since adolescence.  I never played a team sport, unless you count SWIM team.  I'd really like the athletic grace and body ease that other people have.  That is just not going to happen, no matter how many miles I run or dance parties I host and bust a move.

And then there are more serious items that I wish I could change.

I wish I didn't struggle with infertility.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am ever grateful and humbled by my two sweet boys. I gladly sacrifice to be the best mom that I can. I am, like most moms, overly critical of myself in my personal quest to raise them well.
At the same time, I wish I didn't struggle with bringing children into our family.  I wish I had more control of the situation.  I wish it were really my decision on whether to have children or not.

At the same time, it is my struggle with infertility that has shaped and continues to shape me today.

I ache for myself and for others when they struggle with areas of life like this.  Areas that could be called  "righteous desires" . . . I am not asking for personal wealth and an increase in materialistic value.  I am not asking for my high school size waistline or supervillian power to control minds. 

Through my struggle with infertility, I have matured.  Really, I have.  But that doesn't mean that I still don't wish the situation were different.  I would still like answers now.

But, as hard as it is for my personality to not know it all, I don't believe that getting and knowing everything now is best for me.  (however much I struggle with it)

What I Can Do:  I do my best to rejoice in my blessings.  I refrain as much as possible from comparing my life with others, which will be MUCH easier when my peers hit menopause.  I withhold comment when others chat about how "those who have fewer children must be more selfish".  I reignite my faith when I doubt my Heavenly Father's plan for me.

I would harbor a guess that most of us have "righteous desires" that may not be fulfilled in this life.  Some may wish for a happier marriage, or better health, or to have the chance to marry someone who loves them, or that their children were happy and healthy, or wish to bring the most basic necessities of food and shelter to their family without a struggle.

I do know that I have a sacred trust and mission to be the best mom and wife that I can be.  I know that Heavenly Father is expecting me to put aside my pride and petty complaints to help those around me.  I know that the blessings I have received from being a mom have far outweighed the sacrifices I have made to become a mom.  I know that one day I will have a fullness of understanding the purposes of the challenges in my life.

As far as higher countertops, well, many stores sell a TALL in pant sizes; so, maybe the other things aren't that far off.

(I've had this written for awhile and keep being bothered to actually post it. I don't know why, but maybe now I won't feel so bothered.)

Fertility Quest: The Moo-lah to Get Pregnant (aka Hunt for Buried Treasure)

Background on this post:  We blogged during our process of going through a fertility treatment in trying to get pregnant in 2008.  Both of our sons are the results of successful fertility treatments.  I get asked questions about infertility and fertility stuff because of my experiences; so, I find myself writing about those topics.  For those new to me and this topic and want more:  "Fertility Quest and Thoughts on Infertility." 


I've recently been asked by a couple of friends about financing fertility treatments.  So, I thought I would put out there an updated post to what I've said before on the subject.  The End Message:  I do not know of a source of magic money.  Finding resources takes time and research.  The information here is general at best and is a first ministep in the research to find specific funding for fertility treatments.

In a nutshell, I am not a financial advisor; I do not pretend to know all the answers, and some of these options may be inappropriate for some people to use.  That being said, here are some ways that those experiencing infertility have found resources to help offset costs for fertility treatments:


Employer fertility benefits--even if you think the answer is "no," ask HR to check anyway. I have also known two women who specifically went to work for companies that had fertility benefits because of those benefits vs other offers from other companies (Top 50 Companies for more info on companies with fertility benefits)  You could even try asking for the company to pay for treatments as part of a job offer contract. (harder to do these days, but I'd try it)

State Mandated Fertility Coverage--many States force insurance companies in that state to provide fertility coverage (in fact, many European companies have much better fertility treatment coverage because the country basically expects it, and some couples travel to other countries because it is covered there)

3rd Party Financing Coverage--I've never used this, but it is sort of like buying insurance to cover fertility benefits

Scholarship Program--here is one that I have heard of:  I googled to see if there were more recent ones (ones for IVF were easiest to locate quickly).  When you know what treatments you need, dig around and find out what resources there are to cover those specific treatments (sort of like looking for scholarships for college).  (If you have no idea where to start, let me know, I'll get you started).

Raising the money--some couples raise the money through loans (there is such a thing as a medical loan), second mortgages, a job dedicated to financing the fertility treatments, and asking for donations to a dedicated "fertility treatment" fund in lieu of Christmas presents, etc. Some people have tapped into their 401(k)--I am not endorsing or not endorsing using retirement money or taking out a second mortgage, just saying that some have done that.

Benefits through Fertility Clinics--this is one that is case by case, and fertility clinic by fertility clinic. Terms are specific and takes a bit of research. Some treatments, if experimental, may be free to some couples. Some treatments may be offered at a "discounted" rate. You never know what flexibility a clinic will have for pricing unless you ask. This is important to understand: costs can be negotiable. You just have to ask and be willing to work a bit to see if you can get a cost that is affordable.

Loans through Fertility Clinics--(I heard about these two, I have no idea if they still do it, I have no idea of the quality of care at these clinics, I would ask around first) ARC Fertility Program  and IntegraMed America Fertility Network

Note: Some fertility clinics may even offer some refund if the treatments don't work. Our fertility clinic had a program like this.

A Great Website to get started.

No Matter What:  Getting a good fertility specialist is key. Even if the insurance doesn't pay completely for the visit, it is extremely important for the health of the individual and peace of mind for the couple to have answers.  It is extremely important to find out what fertility treatments need to be funded. It would be a shame if someone didn't go the treatment route because of being scared about the cost without finding out just how expensive it would be. Some treatments are as "low" as a couple hundred dollars.

This is a hard subject because infertility is such a resource drainer to begin with . . . emotionally, physically, sometimes spiritually, and financially.  Risk is high here.  There is not an absolute guarantee that if you pay for a treatment that, voila, you'll have the desired successful pregnancy.  I wish it were so.

At the same time, my family is an example of the benefits of a correct diagnosis, excellent medical care, financial sacrifice, and strong support from family and friends.  I am deeply grateful for my two boys.  I am a lucky lady.

Fertility Quest . . . Revisiting Mother's Day

It seems so long ago that I wrote that little post on Mother's Day. (Links for it are also listed on the right under "Fertility Quest and Thoughts on Infertility.")

I've been thinking about a phrase from it:
It just isn’t fair that Mother’s Day became a bit better after having Everett.

And, you know, Everett will sing for the first time in Sacrament on Sunday . . . you know what he is going to sing, the Mother's Day song with the rest of the children in Primary. I am totally excited for him. I hope he enjoys the event and isn't scared to go up to the front.

I think I keep thinking about the phrase listed above because I am feeling guilty. I am approaching this Mother's Day with no anxiety, no unease, no frustration, and only a little trepidation. So unlike me, I know. I feel guilty because I have my two children. They may be the only children I have, and though I don't want to visit that aspect and how I feel about it here, I know that I have a full heart due to being content with my children and who I am as a mother. I rejoice everyday to have the chance to raise such fun little boys. At the same time, there is a spot of ache.

I ache for those that want, desire, would do anything they could . . . to have children, to have more children, and I ache because many feel hopeless, sad, worthless, ignored, and angry on Mother's Day.

I ache for their heartache on Mother's Day.

I don't pity them because I hated being pitied. I don't pretend to know the perfect word to calm the ache. I don't have the answers.

I do pray to know how to be supportive. I do love them. I do pray that they feel loved. I do pray that they will have some measure of peace on this day. And, I do remember how horrible Mother's Day used to be for me.

Don't get me wrong: I still get fired up when people make the issue of having babies about God's trust. I still get fired up when people notate worth of a family or a mother by number. I still get fired up when I hear the comment,"well, feel lucky you only have (insert number) kid(s), you have it easy . . . ." And, you can watch the red crawl up my neck and face when I hear someone give the "advice" to someone who struggles with infertility. (If I hear "relax" one more time.)

I still struggle with my infertility. At the same time, Mother's Day, for me now, is a day of gratitude. It is a chance for me to celebrate my family. I am grateful for a loving husband; I am grateful for my giggly, happy Everett; I am grateful for my dancing, playing Merritt.

I am grateful for the women in my life that surround me with love and expertise. I am a better person, woman, and mother due to their ministrations of service and examples of good.

Fertility Quest . . . a mini-Post on Things I Don't Do

Those new to my ramblings on being infertile can click on the right for more gory details about our process to get pregnant with Merritt. Infertility has been my struggle. A couple items have been on my mind a bit . . . so, I'll blog here and there about them as time permits. I share these posts as a voice to create understanding, as a voice to share with those who also struggle with infertility, and as a way to create meaning for myself.

I've been surrounded by lots of babies recently which makes me a lucky lady. Small itty bitty little ones with perfect fingers and toes. Quiet sighs and downy, soft skin.

What comes with the expectation of and arrival of those little beings are the conversations around babies. Those conversations don't bother me anymore. But, I don't really have much to say in a couple of them; I just listen. It may be because I just don't understand what it is like to not struggle in getting pregnant. It may be because I still try to be ruthlessly honest with myself about future babies because I already lived through the "hopeful" years that were really disappointing.

I don't get it when other ladies say that they are "baby hungry" as they are eager to hold babies and talk about babies and express hope and plan for a next baby. I don't get it, I think, because I don't allow myself to get baby hungry. You'll never find me saying with excitement, "OH, I want another one." I don't have the flexibility to say to my husband . . . you know, I think it is time to try again, would you like a Christmas baby next? or say casually, I think it is time for another, let's start tonight!

Nope, our process is one that, as a start, involves physical concerns like can I handle the IVF process again, do we think I'll handle carrying the baby to term, then we get to financial and insurance concerns, and then the selection of a local doctor and I'll need to fly to DC for the embryo transfer and etc, etc. Or, as a matter of prayer, are we prompted to reignite our adoption process? I can't seem to frame the matter simply.

I guess it is just a little more complicated with me, go figure.

I don't try to think too far ahead in the "family composition" arena. Kind of hard for me because I am a planner. But, I have learned and am relearning all the time to be flexible with things I have no control over. So, I don't hope to have another boy or "a girl now" or twins or enough kids to perform four part harmony choral pieces. I don't know if we are meant to add other children to our family. I try not to think about it; I simply seek to be content with what I have in the "right here and right now."

I do employ lots of tolerance when a lack of understanding prompts comments that would have taken me a bit to swallow in the past. I employ ignoring tons, too. I am learning from the perspective that doesn't struggle with infertility.

I am very frank when I talk about my struggle with infertility. I talk to men and women alike; some, I am sure, may think "too much info, lady"--but, when you bring it up, you've got to be prepared to hear about it all. And, the reason I am frank is I have heard over and over . . . "you know my (insert relationship) . . . sister-in-law struggles with getting pregnant and I want to be a support but am too afraid to talk to her. I had no idea about (insert any number of misconstrued pieces of information about infertility) . . . ."

I do understand a desire to have children and sometimes allow a "maybe" hope of more children. I have been blessed to have my own two little miracle baby boys. I cherish every moment I have with them and remind myself that I can put up with the incessant, "But Why?" questioning because that little boy innocence will not be around forever.

One more thing presses on my mind this evening (12:38 in the morning rather) . . . those that struggle with the isolation that comes with experiencing and living with infertility (I do have one friend in mind, specifically, that I worry about) . . . I hope you find the answers you are looking for, I hope you find a community of commonality that brings you comfort, I hope that you know that there are those that understand and there are those that are eager to understand, and I hope you find peace in the process of your own endeavor to become a parent(s).

My Cup Says "Mom"

I love that this is MY drink.

I love that this is the label I have.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten my struggle with infertility. And, that struggle isn't over. In fact, Erik and I have to decide very soon to either pay for another year of embryo storage (will be a couple thousand dollars) or reignite our adoption process and place the money in that area.

But, that is all part of life, right? Rarely does the struggle or difficulty completely disappear without consequences, positive or negative, that affect our lives.

That aside, I really enjoy being a mom. Right now I have the opportunity to focus on being a mom to two great boys. I am not juggling a job and a toddler or a pregnancy and a toddler. I am juggling two boys and I am enjoying the difficulties and rewards that that work brings. Don't get me wrong. I have enjoyed being a mom from day one. I have grown so much with each phase of motherhood whether it was being the mother of one while working outside the home, being mother of one while working at home, or being a mother of two.

When I saw how Erik labeled my Sonic drink this weekend, I really gave pause to how much I have been blessed over the past several years. They have been stinkingly hard, very painful, and often disappointing years, but I wouldn't trade where I am now to be anywhere else. In a sense, I almost feel gleeful about all that I have.

MY cup says "Mom."

Baby, Baby!

When you struggle with infertility, there are just some lines of thought that you don't allow yourself to go down. You enjoy others' babies . . . sometimes to a point. For me, when the struggle was especially poignant, I often wanted to just be detached to stay safe from pain and disappointment. The following reflection was one I never allowed myself to hope to have.

We are so excited for the next little one to join our family. I am excited that Everett will have a brother or sister grow up alongside.

I've been going through boxes and boxes picking things out that the baby can wear the first couple of weeks, especially if we end up having a girl. Not knowing beforehand if we are having a boy or a girl is something that is important to us. For those of you just tuning in to read the blog, we want some part of this pregnancy to be a surprise, a mystery. Every step of the way with the FET process, and then the high-risk pregnancy monitoring, has left little room for mystery and wonder.

The girl name is set. The boy name continues to transform. We have some strong contenders going, and Erik is ever diligent in getting community involvement so that the name is "just right." Not to be too obtuse, but I just don't feel right putting the names in writing just yet. So, you'll have to stay tuned.

I don't often wax nostalgic, but it was so peacefully fun to go through Everett's baby clothes this evening. Folding the newly washed clothing, I would remember incredulously that he really *was* that small, I would remember who gave us what outfit and think back to see if they've had a chance to see him recently, I would remember being amazed at how quickly he grew.

We have been immeasurably blessed to have Everett in our lives. Being a parent has been one of the most joyous and humbling experiences I have had the opportunity to experience. I have known more growth in the past two years than I thought was humanly possible.

This will probably be my last pregnancy. I am not, for lack of a better word, happy with that, but I am infinitely grateful for the blessings that I have. My heart is filled with gratitude for the blessings of two pregnancies, a crazy cute 2 year old, and the image of what will come with the addition of our second child.

BTW, Baby S is hiccuping rhythmically right now.

Fertility Quest: The Today Show

The Today Show is running a series on infertility this week. I just happened to catch a segment on it this morning. I think tomorrow they are touching on male infertility. Here is a link to what is on the web.

Rethinking Infertility: The Today Show

Link to today's segment
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/26735737#26735737

Fertility Quest: When the Baby Comes

I wrote this quite awhile ago not knowing if I really needed to address these issues. I have felt recently that maybe I need to go ahead and post it. So, here is a brief "reopening" of the Fertility Quest Series. If you have no idea what I am talking about, feel free to check out the links related to the Fertility Quest on the right.

Many people have issues when it comes to fertility treatments. Some of the issues stem from concerns, religious dispositions, or just not knowing the facts about the procedures. Whatever the reason, it is fine that others have issues. Going through fertility treatments is a personal choice and was a matter of prayer for us. The following text address concerns that the baby will be "wrong" since we used a fertility treatment to get pregnant.

Issue #1:
The lab must have made some kind of switching error because the baby doesn't look like [insert name of parent(s)].

My Response: Okay, human error in this life is unavoidable. At the same time, I am not worried about it. I saw first hand all the security measures used. Maybe the kid just looks like Great-great-great Aunt Myrtle.

Issue #2:
That Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) procedure MUST be flawed because their baby has a problem.

My Response: Again, I am not worried about this. I couldn't find any strong research done by reputable scientists and doctors that states this was a concern, in fact quite the opposite. If the baby has a problem, no matter the origin or cause, then the baby has a problem. The problem could be caused by many things but harping on the origin is only helpful so far as to if it provides answers for treatments. I am not scared to have a baby with a problem. Preemie Everett had lots of them. And, no IVF, did not cause Everett's problems.

There is a somewhat higher incident of birth defects (a percentage or two) for babies who have parents that struggle with infertility (whether the baby was conceived with or without fertility treatments), but the treatment itself is not seen causal. Many organizations state that more research is needed to flush this out.

Issue #3:
She had the baby early because she used fertility treatments to get pregnant.

My Response: Nope, there is nothing linking premature birth as being caused by fertility treatments.

Issue #4:
Using IVF is morally wrong.

My Response: Again, this is a personal choice. We prayerfully considered our path and were prompted to utilize the technology of IVF and FET. Erik and I do not approach any reproductive issue with flippancy or without deep investigation. We do not feel that using fertility treatments, in general, is morally wrong. I am sure there are specific situations that could be brought to hand where it could be argued as more gray than black and white. We have been immensely blessed to have Everett in our lives!

Fertility Quest: 8 Week Sonogram

So, I am tired. Morning sickness resurfaced last week with a vengeance. Movement makes it worse, especially riding in a car. I barely have a sense of humor in that I don't get jokes these days. It isn't like I am overly cranky; I just don't get the punch line. Erik has been super nice to tell me that they really didn't make sense anyway.

Getting to the sonogram. The heartbeat and the baby's development are fine--right on target. However, the gestational sac is small. The doctor was bothered enough to mention it, but then he said that it doesn't really indicate anything right now. That isn't surprising. Seems like most reproductive issues need two data points to compare in order to decide anything.

Besides, early pregnancy can be pretty fickle. We've come this far--I could start worrying about this now, but that won't help anything.

In all, the doctor graduated me from his care. The graduation, the separation from the reproductive endocrinologist--your nurse--the financial coordinator--the receptionist is almost bittersweet. You have been with these people during one of the most stressful situations of your life. They know your innermost frustrations and reproductive issues. They don't blink and you don't blush when the word "sex" enters the conversation. You get calls from them and see them sometimes every 2 or 3 days. They are witness to your hormonal, crying rants and frustrations. Their phone numbers are more familiar to you than your family members' phone numbers.

So, when he said goodbye, I almost burst into tears. And, yes, the hormones have much to do with that. But, I will miss those good people all the same.

Now, I am off to the land of OBs!

Thus ends this sharing of the Fertility Quest.

Fertility Quest: News

This past Tuesday marked the 6-week sonogram. And, if you've been paying attention, you know that if we made it to the sonogram, then that means that all three pregnancy tests came back POSITIVE.

Yes, we are pregnant. We are thrilled and extremely excited!

This was part of Erik's birthday present. It was on his birthday that we passed the third pregnancy test.

The 6-week sonogram went well. I was actually 6 weeks and 6 days along for the sonogram. So, there was the sac, the fetal pole, and the heartbeat right where it needed to be. And, I say THE because there is one little baby growing right now.

I did hesitate to post and share this with you at this point. I still have the 8-week sonogram to go. And, unlike most females that wait until the 12-13 week mark to go "public," since we've published this experience with the world, it didn't make any sense to wait that long and delay sharing the end of this round, including the result, with you. Just as in any pregnancy, things can go wrong. But then, if it does, that would be part of this process, and we would share it with you.

Everett is oblivious about the news that he will be a big brother. He is still busy being the center as the toddler. I am not worried about transitioning him to anything like a bed or potty training right now. The pregnancy is still early, and I am sure he will get there in his own time just like he did with the walking. (He does tell me when he needs a diaper change--and then runs away from me when I try to change him. Kind of funny when I am not frustrated with chasing him.)

If you are curious about my cocktail--I am still on Endometrin and the every three day estrogen shot and will be until I am 10 weeks. I am feeling much better than I did several weeks ago. The throwing up is much less than with Everett. I am bigger now at 7 weeks than I was at 7 weeks with Everett. That's how it goes, and I am grateful for all of it.

As far as any more Fertility Quest posts--I'll probably put something out there around the 8 week sonogram time. But, I don't know how much more I want to do. There are many other topics that can be covered around infertility. But, honestly, I am a bit, shall we say, tired of putting my most inner weaknesses, feelings, and struggles out there for the world to either accept, appreciate, or snicker at . . . . At least this is how I feel now.

I began this blog in January of 2006 to mark progress on some renovations on our home. When it became clear that I was supposed to circulate pregnancy pictures, I erased those posts and used the blog to share pictures and then updates on my pregnancy/bedrest. It has since evolved to family things with other sharings interspersed. I am sure we will always share about Everett and what he is doing.

And, I guess what I am trying to say is that I appreciated the space to share with you my struggles with infertility. I did not do it to ellipse other struggles. I did not do it to say that struggling with infertility is the worst thing in the world. I did not do it to be pitied. I did not do it to be admired or hated. I did it because we felt someone needed us to share our experience. I did it because I don't want anyone who struggles with infertility to feel as alone as I have felt.

Part of me feels like I am writing a goodbye post. And, in a sense, I am pulling back and privatizing the deepest struggle of my life. My struggle with infertility is not "over," but I know how to manage the frustration, anger, and sadness that is a part of it. That helps me have peace on a daily basis with who I am and my role in this life. Some may not understand why I can't say that my infertility struggle is now in my past especially since I am pregnant for a second time--to that, all I can say is that when you struggle with something for so long, it becomes a part of you and shapes who you are.

I won't be posting frequently about experiencing pregnancy as any good pregnancy book and lots of blogs describe the experience. And, for those that were familiar with us waiting to find out until Everett's delivery if we were having a boy or girl, we are going to wait, again, until the delivery to find out if we have a boy or a girl. I know that frustrated some family members. But, when you go through such a controlled and stressful experience to get pregnant, you try and enjoy each turn and experience as naturally as possible.

We have appreciated your good wishes, your emails/calls/cards, and all of the prayers said on behalf of our welfare. If you have something to share, you can always post something on the guestbook which is to the right of the posts. If you would like, you can mark your comment to be private, and then only Erik and I will read it. If you want to email me, you can email me at sheila(dot)sjolseth(at)gmail(dot)com.

Fertility Quest: When Mother's Day Sucks

Mother's Day, May 11th, is really just around the corner. And let me tell you, it is a day of hell for ladies that struggle to become moms. (And it can be rough for others such as those with relationship concerns with a mother figure, but that isn't the focus for this post.) I still remember all of the Mother's Days where I heard ladies talk about motherhood by saying,"I am so glad that God has trusted me with these children."

In my religion, being a mother is often compared to honoring the holy grail of responsibility from God (people don't use those words but that is how serious motherhood is understood). What was I if I wasn't ever going to be a mom? Can I not be trusted with children? What an outright slap in the face my background, training, and career choice would be if "trusted with children" was the issue.

What a total load of crap this particular day ended up throwing on my often fragile identity in a religion where families are the center. That was, and sometimes still is, my struggle. Thus, the struggle in becoming a mother has been intimately tied with my spiritual being. (I guess it didn't help that Mother's Day is always on a Sunday.) I would dread going to church on this day. I would even try and make up excuses as to why something else was more important to do than to go to Sunday services (I was not successful with this one).

On Sundays when flowers or candy were handed out at the end of Sacrament to celebrate those mothers and would-be mothers, I always left the room just before the tokens were distributed. Always. Why did I need a physical reminder of my heartache? Why did I need to stand up with the other women when I felt a glaring empty hole next to me where I felt my children should be?---Some may say, "You've got it all wrong. It is a token of hope, of appreciation, of potential." Well, it was not for me.

I have absolutely hated Mother's Day as an adult. I don't have as strong negative feelings towards it now. Partly because I have decided to ignore others, partly because I have redefined Mother's Day, and partly because I have Everett.

Ignoring Others

On Mother's Day, especially, I was ALWAYS ready with the sarcastic remark, always. You could say it was part of my mental armor. Nothing trite, insipid, or insensitive passed along without a comment or facial expression, whether I verbalized these comments or showed the expressions is another matter, but the key is I was very, very sensitive about this day.

I've heard it all when it comes to things people say. BUT, no matter who you are, people will have plenty to say whether you had children "early/late/never," whether you "breastfed/bottlefed," whether you are "single/married/divorced/widowed"--and the list goes on. In that vein, no one really has any idea of what they are talking about and shouldn't be talking about others in the first place.

In general, I try to put myself in situations where I am not part of or encouraged to talk about others. I try to ignore others' comments (still working on this one), and try to remember, when my ignoring skills aren't working, that many people say things to be helpful.

On Mother's Day, I now try to let my armor be first and foremost that I am doing all that God has asked me to do. That I am a good person and that my procreation success has nothing at all to do with my success in being a valued daughter of God and working towards being the type of person that emulates strong positive characteristics and follows the teachings of Christ.

Redefining Mother's Day

In order to feel more at peace about this day, I started celebrating Mother's Day as a day to give gratitude and celebration to the women in my life that are strong advisors, supporters, and builder-uppers. Quite frankly, some think that this idea is weird. Some think that this is a day to pay homage to the one that raised you by giving hand-printed plaster casts with french toast and orange juice.

For me, that idea was too finite, too limited, and continued to disturb my sensibilities. Why not take all the effort and money spent in this endeavor and build up women in my life that had supported me, helped me better understand myself, and sacrificed energy to make someone else's existence better-more meaningful!

How do I do it? I send notes around Mother's Day thanking them. I may give a small gift. Most commonly, I send an email or make a phone call.

Stripping all of this down, why do I do it? I do it because then I feel like I can still be a part of Mother's Day. When I believed that I would never be a mom, I could take an active role in building others up on this day instead of feeling sorry for myself.

(Note: This redefining doesn't mean I omit how I thank my own mother on Mother's Day. She gets the card and/or the phone call and some weird gift I pick out just like I used to when I was little.)

Everett
It just isn't fair that Mother's Day became a bit better after having Everett. And, I say it isn't fair because there are plenty of deserving, desirous women out there who struggle with Mother's Day and may never have their own Everett.

Having Everett has made my heart more receptive to Mother's Day talks, talks about motherhood. But, having Everett has not made Mother's Day a day of prose, rose, and sweet nothings. Maybe it is because I still question many things. I still am a little too thorough in picking up the inappropriate comment shared on this day, but that is something I am still working on and may work on for a while when it comes to this issue.

If Mother's Day sucks for you, make a plan for that day that will give you space to have a positive experience. Acknowledging that it sucks and that it is unfair can sometimes be part of the journey to having more peace around this issue. If you feel like you can't handle being around others, don't be around others. There are over 350 other days in the year when you can slave away serving others.

If someone you know struggles on Mother's Day, be sensitive to that. Give them the space needed to find peace with this day. For many experiencing infertility, this day and Father's Day are extremely difficult and can be days of mourning. When couples find out they are infertile, it is a loss that they have to come to terms with and decide how to manage.

Mother's Day, for me now, is a day of gratitude. It is a chance for me to celebrate Everett and Erik. And, Mother's Day doesn't suck as much any more.

Fertility Quest: Allergic to Injections?

Okay, saying I'm allergic to injections is akin to coming up with some lame excuse as to why I didn't do my homework, paid a bill late, won't eat the fish, or forgot someone's birthday.

BUT, I am allergic to progesterone in sesame oil and progesterone in olive oil. Any movement above a slow, plodding walk causes me to wince and cry out like a sissy. I'll give you a guess as to how many other "oils" I want to try right now.

The great news is that last year a new medication was approved that can now replace my progesterone injections---Endometrin.

When the nurse told me about it, I was like, "Are you sure? Because you guys didn't mention anything about this the last time we did this." And, in some weird way, it feels more medically, well, advanced to be shooting up with the medicine instead of inserting it like you would a tampon. (I did go to the suppositories for IVF 2006, but that was well after the pregnancy was established.---And these are pills, not the traditional suppositories--though they are inserted in a like manner.)

But, SERIOUSLY, from where I sit, this stuff looks great! I am looking forward to a painfree derriere.

Fertility Quest: Long and Drawn-Out

I know that all of you are waiting with baited breath to hear news. Well, so are we.

We are still waiting. Each day seems to get longer and longer. The hormones continue to make me feel pregnant . . . remember that I am taking artificial ones . . . so, I can't trust what my body says, just what the doctor says.

BTW, it looks like I am allergic to olive oil, also. I am so lucky.

But, we don't have any new plagues at our house and our coughs/colds/earinfections/pinkeye outbreaks are clearing up.

And, since I can't provide any kind of entertainment right now--be on the lookout for a new post from Erik. (His birthday is Friday and he has promised to write out one of his birthday stories).

A Great Day!

Today was a great day!

The weather was awesomely warm. All of our bulbs are blooming and smell wonderful. We've mainly got hyacinths, daffodils, day lilies, and something that looks like a bluebonnet (I forget the name). The trees are in full bloom and we eagerly hope our dogwood trees bloom soon.

Everett's eye doctor figured out what was wrong. And, even though he is scheduled for a minor procedure where he has to be knocked out, again, we are relieved that he isn't contagious and it is a simple fix. (a blocked eye duct)

My prescription finally came. YIIPPEE!

Everett and I enjoyed running errands . . . the library, Costco (the guy at the "out" door always draws a picture on our receipt for Everett), and other stuff that I don't remember.

Everett is talking, talking, talking.
His new words: tweet, shirt, rock, keys, arf-arf, light, down, off, on . . . and the list goes on!

I was able to take some video! I hope to post it soon.

More on Everett's Procedure
(clink on the text to go to the source and more info):
A surgical probe takes about 10 minutes. A thin, blunt metal wire is gently passed through the tear duct to open any obstruction. Sterile saline is then irrigated through the duct into the nose to make sure that there is now an open path. Infants experience no pain after the probing.

Fertility Quest: The Line Is Busy

The welt, this morning, was over 4 inches in diameter. Now, I don't have the smallest of derrieres like I did when I was younger. But, this welt even makes my current rear dwarf in size. Maybe I've hit on a slimming technique?

And, I'm gonna have to submit myself to another one because some stinking pharmacy person (I don't know who but I am going to find out) messed things up. And messed it up like, @#$%$#$@'ed it up.

So, if you call and the line is busy or kicks over to some weird answering service (like it did when Erik called because traffic was terrible), it is because I am busy. I am busy calling up the chain because I am fired up, stinking heatedly, irate at all of this. I won't bore you with the details of how many times I called to double-check, how many times they verified all was well, only to have the UPS guy DRIVE PAST MY HOUSE. Only then, after it is too late to find a substitute to the sesame oil, after it is too late to call the doc and find another pharmacy, does the #$%#$#@# pharmacy own up to some mistake, only after I caught them.

Sometimes, I have a pretty quick temper. I don't help dispel any kind of redhead myth on that one. This redhead can get fired up quick, but I usually dissipate just as quickly. NOT NOW! Oh, NO! I've taken names and I'm calling back again and again.

I've held my temper pretty well during this "pumped up on hormone" period. I've been extremely patient with others. I have. And, now, with a bright red, itchy, swollen, and bruised butt, I am inflammedly ANGRY.

And now that I have told the world everything. I feel better and since my notes are already for tomorrow's calls, I'm going to go use the bathroom in peace cause we all know I'll be in there awhile.

Fertility Quest: Responses to Comments

In this post I am addressing some of the more recent comments I have heard or received about infertility. If you cringe at the word "sex" then I suggest that you skip reading this post.

Most of my thoughts shared here are of sound reasoning and based in fact and experience. :) But, I don't have the energy to link it all up with data. Sorry! I have listed resources here that can lead you to more specific information.

For those struggling with getting pregnant: In any situation, seeing a qualified, reputable reproductive endocrinologist for an evaluation is the best way to dispel many myths and answer questions that you might have about your own experience with infertility. Going the first time to the office can be scary, but, believe me, IT IS WORTH IT! Answers are very freeing from the powerlessness that you can feel.

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Comment: "My mom/friend/sister told me to have more sex and that would help with my problems in getting pregnant."

Sheila's Thoughts: Ah, my favorite comment that is always accompanied with a "har-har-har" (in a pirate-y voice) in the background. It also goes right up there with the advice of "throwing your hips in the air" or "bicycle your legs on your back." Having more sex does not mean that you will have more chances to get pregnant. Yes, you have have sex to get pregnant, but there is an optimal window for ovulation and conception. Infertility is not about a sexual dysfunction or technique. (Additionally, if the partner has a low sperm count, having more sex does not increase the chances.) There is some very strong data around this myth. I encourage you to learn more.

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Comment: "My infertility is a result of something wrong that I did. I am to blame."

Sheila's Thoughts: Infertility can be related to a female factor, a male factor, a combination of the two, or the dreaded "undetermined" infertility. Basically, after getting the information on "WHY?" there are problems, the information is only helpful in designing a plan to get pregnant if going through fertility treatments. Other than that, leave the guilt and the blame at the door. It is a couple's issue, not a spouse's issue. Overcoming infertility takes both partners and a willingness to set aside individual blaming and guilt in order to build comfort, peace, and a course of action together.

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Comment: Birth control caused Sheila's infertility

Sheila's Thoughts: MYOB. But, since we are on the topic and I am blathering about getting pregnant. NO, birth control did not cause my infertility. In fact, I consider birth control to be my friend. Taking it helps alleviate many of the painful issues I have with cysts. And, by the way, it is very unhealthy to "wonder" at what causes another couple's infertility, especially when gossiping with others. It is like "Fertility 101 Through Hearsay" and only proliferates the bad, bad information out there that doesn't help those seeking assistance and doesn't build good knowledge that we all can use to support those struggling with infertility.

If you have questions about whether one birth control or another causes infertility, please discuss it with your physician.

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Comment: "It is all in my head. I just need to relax."

Sheila's Thoughts: Stress doesn't cause infertility. Infertility is a medical diagnosis, not a flippant excuse to go take a yoga class. If I could have fixed our infertility with mind control or stress relaxation exercises, I wouldn't be posting on our Fertility Quest. Being relaxed does make managing infertility easier. But, do not think that it is a mind game where you can fix it because infertility is not caused by psychological issues.

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Comment: "I am scared to tell my spouse or talk to my spouse about having difficulty getting pregnant. I think he/she will leave me."

Sheila's Thoughts: Undoubtedly, infertility causes stress on a marriage. It stresses finances and obligations as well as emotional energy. Last week was particularly stressful for Erik and me. And, though I might have the sweetest husband on earth, we still have "conversations" that I know are much more heated and stressed due to managing infertility. I know many, many couples that have faced infertility together, as a unit, successfully. The growth that occurs in your marriage in overcoming these difficulties is amazing. Approaching the subject in a quiet moment and place, that you might have even created specifically for this purpose, is one of the best ways to start the communication about your concerns with infertility.

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Those were some of the more pressing comments I felt I needed to make a global response to on the blog. I appreciate the openmindedness of those who read these entries. Breaking the shame and silence around infertility is one of the main reasons we decided to do this. I am not perfect in what I say or do, but I am trying to have the courage to at least acknowledge what is happening.

Fertility Quest: How Are You Peeling? Part II

So, aside from the Pox On Our House (POOH) right now, my nausea has abated. Please don't go through any kind of intellectual exercise on what that might mean . . . if I am pregnant or not. I already did that, and Erik said, "Maybe God is just helping you have an easier day." Right-to!

FYI, I am on progesterone. Progesterone causes constipation. Constipation leads to hemorrhoids. And, if you are a lucky experienced sufferer of hemorrhoids from a previous IVF round or pregnancy, then you know exactly what I mean.

In case you didn't know that among the sprays, creams, and other topical issues for hemorrhoids. There is a CHAIR that lauds hemorrhoid relief. It is called the Lillypad. (image from website)



If that doesn't bring you relief, know full well that many women before us suffered from this malady. And, no, knowing that doesn't make it easier for me either.

Found on Hemroids

And, today, I was lucky enough to have a suspicion confirmed. I am allergic to sesame oil. My progesterone shots are based in sesame oil. I have been getting welts on my butt with each progesterone shot, and the welts keep getting bigger. Today, I had a sweet one that was 3 inches in diameter, red, and puffy and painful.

So, three hours on the phone with the fertility clinic and the insurance company, I think that I am getting progesterone in olive oil. But, I don't know if the prescription has been called in yet or when I'll get the new stuff.

So, here is hoping the prescription gets called in timely enough for a tomorrow delivery. Who wants to bet how big the next welt will be?

Fertility Quest: Company Ranking of Fertility and Adoption Benefits

Conceive's Top 50 Companies: Ranking for 2008

For those looking to see what employers have options for fertility benefits and adoption benefits, click on the link above and check out the list.

Fertility Quest: The Transfer

The transfer went extremely well today. I love my clinic. I love the booties they make us wear. I love the dentist chair they had me lay in for the procedure . . . it was the most comfortable examination table I have ever had the chance to grace, and grace it, I did.

I loved that the doctor walked us through each step of the process. I love that I did drink enough water for the procedure (a bit too much, in fact). And, since I am loving everything right now, I love my progesterone shots. Actually, I don't. (good try, though, right?)

Thank you to AMY for watching Everett!

Thank you to many of your calls and emails and packages.

I especially want to thank that person who called while we were eating lunch. Your compliments to Erik were such that you raised his spirits immeasurably. Erik is a support to me in all of this, and though we support one another, it was great to have someone call and be Erik's support.

Amazingly, it only took thawing two of the embryos to get two viable embryos. We were astounded at this good fortune. I spend all afternoon in bed and will be in bed tomorrow, too. Sitting in a chair is okay, but for some reason I feel like any time I cough, especially when I am sitting, that I am going to cough the embryos right out of me.

Aside from my cold and ear infection, I've had some cramping and spotting. That is all part of this business.

Now, it is The Wait. It will take several weeks before we are sure whether the embryos implanted or not. I don't know if I will post after each result* or just wait until I know a definite 'yes' or a definite 'no'.

So, to be trite, I'll say, "No news is good news."

*There will be three pregnancy tests (the blood draw type, not the pee on the stick type) and two OB sonograms, one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks.