The posts entitled "Fertility Quest" are not written to make others feel good, make others feel bad, make the issue easy, make the issue controversial. The posts are part of my experiences, good/bad, and I feel strongly that they need to be shared as honestly as possible. Some of the things below may shed insight or understanding. At least I hope so.
No matter what I write, or share in person, I will never be able to articulate the hardships that infertility presents. Some going through infertility may not be at a point to even verbalize how they feel. Please accept that.
Some may say: how can you be infertile, you have a kid? Yes, I do seem to contradict myself. But, no matter how I slice it, I still struggle with it. I still depend on the miracles of modern medicine and inspired physicians in order to have the opportunity to get pregnant.
It will be almost uncomfortably clear through this post that I still struggle. I don't like being so personal. I don't like putting out there the things that I struggle with still. I can think of a million other ideas to post on that are more giggly. It may seem that I want others to conform to me. And, that may be true. I write this to share insight, to share my experiences. I don't have all the answers, but the following is part of what I have experienced and know.
For this post, I am writing to those that have family or friends that struggle with infertility.
You Are Pregnant
You have the wonderful news that you are pregnant. And, you may feel awkward about sharing the news with a friend that struggles with infertility. Maybe you have heard her anger or frustration when others get pregnant. Maybe you have heard her talk about fairness. Maybe you know about her irritation with baby showers, but you want her to be at your shower. Maybe you are afraid your friendship will suffer.
No doubt about it; it can be hard.
Sharing the News
What do you do? Do you tell her . . . in person, by phone, with an email? Do you wait for her to find out from someone else? Maybe you think, "She'll figure it out on her own when I start showing."
One of the hardest parts of struggling with infertility is you feel excluded from a biological rite of passage. Something that mothers in every grocery store, office, park, and movie theater can relate to and bond around--the birth story, the loss of last night's sleep because of teething, a misbehaving 5 year old, a wayward teen. No matter what class, race, socio-economic status, or religion, being a mom creates powerful commonalities. Not being a part of that can leave a person to feel ostracized.
So, what do you do?
If I were you, I would prayerfully consider how to share the wonderful news. I would prayerfully consider how to include her if that is what is what you want. I would be prepared for her joy and/or her sadness. I would be prepared to NOT TAKE HER REACTION PERSONALLY. Her reaction is not a reflection of you. Infertility is her burden to bear; her obstacle to overcome. We each have areas of our lives were we find difficulty; some areas of life are harder than others; some hardships last longer than others.
For me, it was best if I was allowed the opportunity to rejoice. Allowed the opportunity to be included. Allowed the opportunity to decide.
To Be Included
As someone who struggled with infertility, it was a powerfully bonding experience to have the opportunity to rejoice with others, to be actively included and not avoided like a pariah. One of my closest friends, Amy, was able to share the news about her pregnancy with me a couple of years ago.
She was able to share her news in a way that included me, in a way that did not make me feel like a second class female. She shared the news with both Erik and me in her home with such sincerity and joy. Her news was about her family. Her news was about her hopes and fears. It wasn't about me. That was so nice.
She did it without pity towards me. I get enough of that from myself. She treated me as if I were any other close friend that she has.
In another situation, I found out a close friend was pregnant through her neighbor's decorator. That hurt my feelings.
Now, some of you may be thinking, but this is my news. This should be about me. And, you are right. But, if you care for her, if you are her friend, you'll try to understand. Why someone else's good news can be hard for others seems so fruitless and illogical, but it is what it is.
I Don't Want to Tell Her
If you choose to not actively tell your friend, that is your choice. I would encourage you to be prayerful about that choice. Yes, this is her struggle . . . you are also her friend.
Another thing, don't insult your friend's intelligence by openly excluding her, especially if you have friends in common, whatever your choice is in how you share your news. I have known several times that a friend was pregnant before she shared the news or even knew that she was pregnant. Yes, it was hard, especially before I had Everett, to put myself in her shoes, understand what she was going through, and how her life's path and timeline has nothing to do with mine.
Include Her?
One of the most hurtful experiences--[yes, I understand it's my own choice to allow me to be hurt. But, nonetheless, I was still hurt.] A group of 5 ladies at church were gathered close together intently talking about stuff. Knowing several of them well, I walked over to join in on the conversation. As soon as I came up, there was the dreaded silence of crickets. They kind of stared at me until I went away . . . and then it hit me. I bet that they were all pregnant . . . two of them were open about their good news. The others weren't, which is fine. It was hard to know that my other friends were pregnant, and they didn't feel comfortable sharing that information with me.
One of the most growing experiences I had through this whole process was when I was invited to help throw a baby shower. I was in a new community, having just moved into the Franconia Ward boundaries (I miss you guys). No one had ever asked me to help with a shower, and this group of ladies didn't think that it would be weird to ask me to do something. FINALLY, I had a purpose for those occasions that I abhorred attending. I couldn't participate in most of the conversations, but I could participate in other ways and listen to those around me. This singular experience helped me so much in being able to better understand my role, what I had to offer a group of ladies in that environment.
I am sure that after I put this post out there that I will think of 100 ways to say all of this better. I was going to talk about the ooops pregnancy, but I find that I don't really know how best to handle that situation. I am sure the ooops pregnancy is hard for the person who finds herself pregnant unexpectedly, but the idea that someone would complain about it given that she knows the biology of how to get pregnant is beyond me. See, I am just not there yet. And, that is okay.
To end this, I would like to point out two scriptures. These two scriptures have helped me so much with my progression in understanding.
Mosiah 18:8-9
8 ". . . as ye are a desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort . . . ."
Matthew 6:25-34
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
