We have decided to share with you our experience in our upcoming Fertility Quest. I realize that some of the information may be uncomfortable for you because I am sharing a very personal part of our lives, but after much thought, debate, and discussion, we feel it is better for us--better for those who experience infertility--and better for those who don't understand what it is like to experience infertility, to share our experience.
We've gone through the "what ifs" of sharing this . . . what if we don't get pregnant, what if this offends someone, what if, what if. We strongly feel that none of the what ifs should prohibit these entries.
If you don't feel comfortable, then just skip reading the posts entitled "Fertility Quest." There will be about a dozen between now and June (I predict). I have decided to write it from the first person point of view. That detail may seem frivolous, but it is the harder one for me to take on as it is me speaking straight up . . . I know that this won't be easy for me, for us. So, here we go.
Some Background
Erik and I have been married for 11 years. After a very serious illness in 1999, I was left with one ovary and an extensive amount of scar tissue. I also experience symptoms similar to those who have polycystic ovarian syndrome. The cysts can be very painful. Thankfully, birth control pills can help alleviate that pain. After 8 years of trying to conceive, we were able to take a job that had fertility benefits. Everett was conceived through our first round of in vitro fertilization (IVF) in 2006. We are very lucky. Though the pregnancy was difficult, he was born on October 19th with minimal problems and we can't remember life without him in it.
Some Thoughts On Infertility--The Emotional Side
I hated baby showers. I hated Mother's Day. Whenever I heard that someone "got" pregnant, I would have a physical reaction. The feelings were never directed at those that were pregnant, but I was never big enough not to wonder "why not me?" I went through bouts of depression, anger, irritation, giving up on the process, feeling like it was because I wasn't worthy to be a mom or wouldn't be a good parent. In the culture of our religion the norm life for many of the women go like this: become 18, get married, have kids. I was openly criticized for gaining a graduate degree, for having a career, and for "putting money ahead of having children" (which wasn't true). Though I put all the verbs in the past tense, I do still have some residual, shall we say, negativity, about those who are judgemental and small minded about how other people live. I am still working through it, but it is still there.
Why a Fertility Quest?
In order to get pregnant, there would have to be extensive, expensive, emotionally draining things we would have to do. We had to DECIDE to get pregnant and have the strength to weather the days when I would have to give myself 4 shots, when Erik would have to give me shots in the bum, when I was so tummy swollen and bum sore--that I couldn't even run to catch the bus. All that because, we want to have a family.
Why Not Adoption?
Who said that going through fertility treatments means we won't adopt? We have been extremely prayerful in this process. There was a point in time where we were actively pursuing the adoption route, and we both started getting negative feelings whenever we were working on it. After more prayer, we were able to discern that in that point in time, fertility treatments were the route to take. That doesn't mean that in our life journey we won't adopt.
Where Are We Now?
Erik and I just completed the consult with our doctor, Dr. Widra. We will be going through a thawed embryo transfer. When we went through the IVF process in early 2006, we were lucky enough to have four decent embryos left to cryofreeze. (People, they grade the embryos like they grade diamonds. The science to help people get pregnant is incredible. I learned so much about the human body through all of this.)
We will be using two of the embryos (there is a 90% success rate in embryos successfully thawing) for our next "transfer" (when they transfer the embryos back to me).
When?
Over the next month, Erik and I will be going through lab work, "working" with the insurance company, calling doctors, faxing results, etc. Our Fertility Quest is hitting us hard core in February.
