I don't have any news on our process, but I wanted to address something that has been on my mind lately. The conversations that I have with others. When people find out about our difficulties when getting pregnant there are a number of responses that occur . . . embarrassment, confusion, pity, and awkwardness name a few.
Thanks to my husband, I've learned that most people are well-meaning. Most people want you to be happy and want to help find your way to happiness (usually by doing the things that have made them happy).
Infertility (I read once) is someone's private hell. I'd say that was pretty accurate. It is emotionally draining, can be expensive many different ways, and others around you seem to have NO problems at all getting pregnant because no one talks about it if they do. It is more acceptable to talk about the Ooops pregnancy, which often makes things harder for those experiencing infertility.
Infertility is not a dinner conversation, unless you are at our house or are one of our friends. I thought I would put some lists out there about communication. What to say or not say, how to tell a friend that struggles with infertility that you are pregnant, and anything else that comes to mind in this process.
BTW, infertility is not a gossip topic and should not be treated as such. Some experience primary infertility (getting and staying pregnant for the first child), some experience secondary infertility (becoming pregnant again). Infertility is a private matter between a couple. Not the couple and the rest of the family. Not the couple and you. If the couple feels like sharing that experience, then treat it as if they were sharing something private and important, because it is.
Things Not To Say to Those Who Are Experiencing Infertility
The God Card
"I'm sure it will happen when God wants it to."
"You should probably pray harder."
"God probably wants you to learn a lesson."
"Maybe He is punishing you."
The Friend Card
"I had a friend who couldn't get pregnant because she was stressed. You should relax a little."
"A friend of mine adopted and two months later she became pregnant."
Readiness Card
"It will happen when you are ready."
"I think that it is great that you guys waited X years to have kids. You are probably more mature now."
Eat, Drink, and Be Merry Card
"You should enjoy not having kids. Kids make life harder."
"I wish I could sleep-in after a late night, but my 2 year old makes sure that I don't."
"All you need is a couple of glasses of wine."
The Interrogator Card
"Why don't you __________________?"
"Why don't you have kids yet?"
"Are you going to ever have kids?"
What CAN you say . . . when you know that a friend is struggling with infertility, in my experience, it is helpful to just put it out there that you want to be a support and that you want the couple to know that you are available. Don't expect them to take you up on the help, don't expect accolades for offering it up, don't expect them to share all the details of what they are going through, and be prepared to anty-up the support if they ask for it. And, don't plan their life for them.
I am having some difficulty in being more expressive about that last point, "plan their life for them." Here is an example: I have a hard time counting out the weeks and figuring out when my next baby "could arrive" . . . I've lived through too many unfulfilled "birth days" to feel comfortable doing that . . . and there is something that I dance around, HOPE. Hope is like a fleeting, flickering light that seems allusive but I know it is necessary. Why is hope hard? Because disappointment can be heartbreaking.
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
