Today was a hard day.
I told my colleagues that I would be leaving as of February. Now, I may be able to stay connected to the work through some projects, which will be nice. But, the reason for my thoughts here was how hard I finally realized not coming to work would be. I've known that I would be quitting since September. I should have been prepared for telling the news. I wasn't. I almost burst into tears when I announced my departure to my group.
After telling them and going about the process of transitioning my work to others, I kept thinking,"This isn't what I had in mind for today. I just thought I would be working . . . not giving away my work."
You might ask: what's the big deal? You work for a government agency . . . what do you even do . . . you are a bureaucrat . . . you get frustrated with bureaucracy . . . But, every job has its drawbacks. I am engaged in my job, engaged by my colleagues, engaged by the work.
Not juggling being a mom and wife and employee will be a relief. Not having to balance childcare with bills with the costs of working will be a relief. And, don't you want to be at home with Everett?---My feelings are not in conflict with each other. I am just having to let go of a part of me that I have worked and developed and have relied on for almost two decades, that gainfully employed part of me. I am setting aside an environment, a skill set, a set of relationships where I know I am successful and that I enjoy.
I am also setting aside an area of my life that I am passionate about. For me, it isn't like I am stopping a routine behavior. I am being pushed to find ways to fulfill my passions about education and children in different ways, other than my work, ways that I am unsure about right now.
And I am sad.
I had a conversation with a dear colleague about why to even stay at a job . . . is it the intellectual challenge, the money, the prestige, or the relationships? What makes or breaks a job for you? I bet it is tied to how well you respect or get along with your colleagues. It is for me.
Human nature doesn't come with an off or on switch. I know that we use the metaphor of "wearing many hats" to describe the roles that we fulfill in our homes, our jobs, and our communities. But, even when we switch roles, we don't leave the other roles behind, they come with us. I won't be able to turn off this part of me; I'll have to channel it in other avenues.
When teaching, at the end of every school year, I had a hard time with the "end" . . . the part where I said goodbye to my pint-sized colleagues. It was bittersweet to see my students leave so much older than when they entered my classroom. It was bittersweet that some other teachers would get to know them as I had and learn to enjoy their senses of humor and their varied idiosyncrasies. (Bet you didn't know I was the jealous type.)
This parting is also bittersweet. I will be able to spend more time with my son. I will be able to challenge myself in ways that I have not had an opportunity to before now. And I am sad.
