- I remember when we were poor, dirt poor. We were living paycheck to paycheck . . . or rather student loan to student loan. I was amazed at Erik's miracle bike rides to and from Westlake Grocery in the Texas heat so I could take the car to school. I was amazed at how many meals I made out of ham and rice.
- I remember the time when we were a week from living in two different cities separated by thousands of miles and a job came through for Erik so we didn't have to split and I could finish at UT with Erik at my side.
- I remember when a "miracle" cashier's check came in the mail so that we could afford to move after graduate school, one of those times when we were really poor.
- I remember the time when I was really, really sick--and felt gratitude that I wasn't a generation or two older because if I had been that sick back then, I wouldn't have made it.
- I remember being angry and scared about being infertile and then grateful for the miracle of my doctor and IVF.
- I remember being horribly frightened I would lose my baby and then reaped the benefit of bedrest.
- I remember being so pushed at work I felt like I couldn't make through the rest of the day much less the next day--only to discover that the previous day I said something that changed someone for the better.
- I remember walking into job interviews, nervous, and thinking to myself,"WHAT was I thinking--the interview will be horrible." And, it wasn't too terrible. (Well, except that one time, but there are always outliers, right?)
- I remember throwing up on the metro when I was pregnant with Everett and wondering if I was going to make it through the day as I had a huge presentation. I made it.
- I remember trying to get home while in grad school and walking to the bus stop knowing that the last bus had already come and gone. It was after midnight, snowing and frigidly cold--it was too far to walk home. Everything was closed. I was exhausted, too poor for a taxi ride. And just as I walked up to the bus stop, a "rogue" off-schedule bus pulled into the station.
I don't believe in the adage,"It is never as bad as it seems." All of us have lived, do live, or will live through some pretty crappy, hard, heart-wrenching stuff. I think it is important to acknowledge it and not be a blind Pollyanna. (I do believe that no matter how hard it is, it can always get harder.) From the small to the not so small, a situation can be as bad as it seems to be, but it will be okay. Sounding a bit trite: The day will end and a new one will come along. The problem will either be solved or you will figure out how to manage it.
Tonight, I just needed to be reminded by my own experiences as little or big as you might view them and as much as they may or may not make sense. My perspective, understandings, limits of patience, and preconceived notions of what is fair and appropriate are being tested, and I am tired of it. Perseverance is an ugly and beautiful word.
And then there is also the notion that once a situation is resolved, another one will come along to further "refine." I at least think I have the skills and knowledge to weather this current situation. So, I'll sit back and let it roll, keeping hope that my miracle bus will come along, eventually.
