In this post I am addressing some of the more recent comments I have heard or received about infertility. If you cringe at the word "sex" then I suggest that you skip reading this post.
Most of my thoughts shared here are of sound reasoning and based in fact and experience. :) But, I don't have the energy to link it all up with data. Sorry! I have listed resources here that can lead you to more specific information.
For those struggling with getting pregnant: In any situation, seeing a qualified, reputable reproductive endocrinologist for an evaluation is the best way to dispel many myths and answer questions that you might have about your own experience with infertility. Going the first time to the office can be scary, but, believe me, IT IS WORTH IT! Answers are very freeing from the powerlessness that you can feel.
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Comment: "My mom/friend/sister told me to have more sex and that would help with my problems in getting pregnant."
Sheila's Thoughts: Ah, my favorite comment that is always accompanied with a "har-har-har" (in a pirate-y voice) in the background. It also goes right up there with the advice of "throwing your hips in the air" or "bicycle your legs on your back." Having more sex does not mean that you will have more chances to get pregnant. Yes, you have have sex to get pregnant, but there is an optimal window for ovulation and conception. Infertility is not about a sexual dysfunction or technique. (Additionally, if the partner has a low sperm count, having more sex does not increase the chances.) There is some very strong data around this myth. I encourage you to learn more.
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Comment: "My infertility is a result of something wrong that I did. I am to blame."
Sheila's Thoughts: Infertility can be related to a female factor, a male factor, a combination of the two, or the dreaded "undetermined" infertility. Basically, after getting the information on "WHY?" there are problems, the information is only helpful in designing a plan to get pregnant if going through fertility treatments. Other than that, leave the guilt and the blame at the door. It is a couple's issue, not a spouse's issue. Overcoming infertility takes both partners and a willingness to set aside individual blaming and guilt in order to build comfort, peace, and a course of action together.
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Comment: Birth control caused Sheila's infertility
Sheila's Thoughts: MYOB. But, since we are on the topic and I am blathering about getting pregnant. NO, birth control did not cause my infertility. In fact, I consider birth control to be my friend. Taking it helps alleviate many of the painful issues I have with cysts. And, by the way, it is very unhealthy to "wonder" at what causes another couple's infertility, especially when gossiping with others. It is like "Fertility 101 Through Hearsay" and only proliferates the bad, bad information out there that doesn't help those seeking assistance and doesn't build good knowledge that we all can use to support those struggling with infertility.
If you have questions about whether one birth control or another causes infertility, please discuss it with your physician.
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Comment: "It is all in my head. I just need to relax."
Sheila's Thoughts: Stress doesn't cause infertility. Infertility is a medical diagnosis, not a flippant excuse to go take a yoga class. If I could have fixed our infertility with mind control or stress relaxation exercises, I wouldn't be posting on our Fertility Quest. Being relaxed does make managing infertility easier. But, do not think that it is a mind game where you can fix it because infertility is not caused by psychological issues.
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Comment: "I am scared to tell my spouse or talk to my spouse about having difficulty getting pregnant. I think he/she will leave me."
Sheila's Thoughts: Undoubtedly, infertility causes stress on a marriage. It stresses finances and obligations as well as emotional energy. Last week was particularly stressful for Erik and me. And, though I might have the sweetest husband on earth, we still have "conversations" that I know are much more heated and stressed due to managing infertility. I know many, many couples that have faced infertility together, as a unit, successfully. The growth that occurs in your marriage in overcoming these difficulties is amazing. Approaching the subject in a quiet moment and place, that you might have even created specifically for this purpose, is one of the best ways to start the communication about your concerns with infertility.
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Those were some of the more pressing comments I felt I needed to make a global response to on the blog. I appreciate the openmindedness of those who read these entries. Breaking the shame and silence around infertility is one of the main reasons we decided to do this. I am not perfect in what I say or do, but I am trying to have the courage to at least acknowledge what is happening.
