Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Erik's first blog
This is Erik. I now can post all by myself.
One of my favorite web sites it Despair.com. It holds such wisdom. They have a great Valentines collection.
When you’re having one of those “not so intellectually stimulating” moments, try a few of Demotivators to jump-start your creativity.
Here are some of my favorites.
And lastly, my justification for change...
One of my favorite web sites it Despair.com. It holds such wisdom. They have a great Valentines collection.
When you’re having one of those “not so intellectually stimulating” moments, try a few of Demotivators to jump-start your creativity.
Here are some of my favorites.
And lastly, my justification for change...
Cool Stuff . . . Capturing a Moment in Time
Erik and I found Story People in Annapolis, Maryland at an artist's store a couple of years ago. We find that we still love his work.
The first time his laughter unfurled its wings in the wind, we knew that the world would never be the same.
This is a print that we recently purchased. I know I couldn't say it any better.
Fertility Quest: For Family and Friends of Those Who Struggle
The posts entitled "Fertility Quest" are not written to make others feel good, make others feel bad, make the issue easy, make the issue controversial. The posts are part of my experiences, good/bad, and I feel strongly that they need to be shared as honestly as possible. Some of the things below may shed insight or understanding. At least I hope so.
No matter what I write, or share in person, I will never be able to articulate the hardships that infertility presents. Some going through infertility may not be at a point to even verbalize how they feel. Please accept that.
Some may say: how can you be infertile, you have a kid? Yes, I do seem to contradict myself. But, no matter how I slice it, I still struggle with it. I still depend on the miracles of modern medicine and inspired physicians in order to have the opportunity to get pregnant.
It will be almost uncomfortably clear through this post that I still struggle. I don't like being so personal. I don't like putting out there the things that I struggle with still. I can think of a million other ideas to post on that are more giggly. It may seem that I want others to conform to me. And, that may be true. I write this to share insight, to share my experiences. I don't have all the answers, but the following is part of what I have experienced and know.
For this post, I am writing to those that have family or friends that struggle with infertility.
You Are Pregnant
You have the wonderful news that you are pregnant. And, you may feel awkward about sharing the news with a friend that struggles with infertility. Maybe you have heard her anger or frustration when others get pregnant. Maybe you have heard her talk about fairness. Maybe you know about her irritation with baby showers, but you want her to be at your shower. Maybe you are afraid your friendship will suffer.
No doubt about it; it can be hard.
Sharing the News
What do you do? Do you tell her . . . in person, by phone, with an email? Do you wait for her to find out from someone else? Maybe you think, "She'll figure it out on her own when I start showing."
One of the hardest parts of struggling with infertility is you feel excluded from a biological rite of passage. Something that mothers in every grocery store, office, park, and movie theater can relate to and bond around--the birth story, the loss of last night's sleep because of teething, a misbehaving 5 year old, a wayward teen. No matter what class, race, socio-economic status, or religion, being a mom creates powerful commonalities. Not being a part of that can leave a person to feel ostracized.
So, what do you do?
If I were you, I would prayerfully consider how to share the wonderful news. I would prayerfully consider how to include her if that is what is what you want. I would be prepared for her joy and/or her sadness. I would be prepared to NOT TAKE HER REACTION PERSONALLY. Her reaction is not a reflection of you. Infertility is her burden to bear; her obstacle to overcome. We each have areas of our lives were we find difficulty; some areas of life are harder than others; some hardships last longer than others.
For me, it was best if I was allowed the opportunity to rejoice. Allowed the opportunity to be included. Allowed the opportunity to decide.
To Be Included
As someone who struggled with infertility, it was a powerfully bonding experience to have the opportunity to rejoice with others, to be actively included and not avoided like a pariah. One of my closest friends, Amy, was able to share the news about her pregnancy with me a couple of years ago.
She was able to share her news in a way that included me, in a way that did not make me feel like a second class female. She shared the news with both Erik and me in her home with such sincerity and joy. Her news was about her family. Her news was about her hopes and fears. It wasn't about me. That was so nice.
She did it without pity towards me. I get enough of that from myself. She treated me as if I were any other close friend that she has.
In another situation, I found out a close friend was pregnant through her neighbor's decorator. That hurt my feelings.
Now, some of you may be thinking, but this is my news. This should be about me. And, you are right. But, if you care for her, if you are her friend, you'll try to understand. Why someone else's good news can be hard for others seems so fruitless and illogical, but it is what it is.
I Don't Want to Tell Her
If you choose to not actively tell your friend, that is your choice. I would encourage you to be prayerful about that choice. Yes, this is her struggle . . . you are also her friend.
Another thing, don't insult your friend's intelligence by openly excluding her, especially if you have friends in common, whatever your choice is in how you share your news. I have known several times that a friend was pregnant before she shared the news or even knew that she was pregnant. Yes, it was hard, especially before I had Everett, to put myself in her shoes, understand what she was going through, and how her life's path and timeline has nothing to do with mine.
Include Her?
One of the most hurtful experiences--[yes, I understand it's my own choice to allow me to be hurt. But, nonetheless, I was still hurt.] A group of 5 ladies at church were gathered close together intently talking about stuff. Knowing several of them well, I walked over to join in on the conversation. As soon as I came up, there was the dreaded silence of crickets. They kind of stared at me until I went away . . . and then it hit me. I bet that they were all pregnant . . . two of them were open about their good news. The others weren't, which is fine. It was hard to know that my other friends were pregnant, and they didn't feel comfortable sharing that information with me.
One of the most growing experiences I had through this whole process was when I was invited to help throw a baby shower. I was in a new community, having just moved into the Franconia Ward boundaries (I miss you guys). No one had ever asked me to help with a shower, and this group of ladies didn't think that it would be weird to ask me to do something. FINALLY, I had a purpose for those occasions that I abhorred attending. I couldn't participate in most of the conversations, but I could participate in other ways and listen to those around me. This singular experience helped me so much in being able to better understand my role, what I had to offer a group of ladies in that environment.
I am sure that after I put this post out there that I will think of 100 ways to say all of this better. I was going to talk about the ooops pregnancy, but I find that I don't really know how best to handle that situation. I am sure the ooops pregnancy is hard for the person who finds herself pregnant unexpectedly, but the idea that someone would complain about it given that she knows the biology of how to get pregnant is beyond me. See, I am just not there yet. And, that is okay.
To end this, I would like to point out two scriptures. These two scriptures have helped me so much with my progression in understanding.
Mosiah 18:8-9
8 ". . . as ye are a desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort . . . ."
Matthew 6:25-34
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
No matter what I write, or share in person, I will never be able to articulate the hardships that infertility presents. Some going through infertility may not be at a point to even verbalize how they feel. Please accept that.
Some may say: how can you be infertile, you have a kid? Yes, I do seem to contradict myself. But, no matter how I slice it, I still struggle with it. I still depend on the miracles of modern medicine and inspired physicians in order to have the opportunity to get pregnant.
It will be almost uncomfortably clear through this post that I still struggle. I don't like being so personal. I don't like putting out there the things that I struggle with still. I can think of a million other ideas to post on that are more giggly. It may seem that I want others to conform to me. And, that may be true. I write this to share insight, to share my experiences. I don't have all the answers, but the following is part of what I have experienced and know.
For this post, I am writing to those that have family or friends that struggle with infertility.
You Are Pregnant
You have the wonderful news that you are pregnant. And, you may feel awkward about sharing the news with a friend that struggles with infertility. Maybe you have heard her anger or frustration when others get pregnant. Maybe you have heard her talk about fairness. Maybe you know about her irritation with baby showers, but you want her to be at your shower. Maybe you are afraid your friendship will suffer.
No doubt about it; it can be hard.
Sharing the News
What do you do? Do you tell her . . . in person, by phone, with an email? Do you wait for her to find out from someone else? Maybe you think, "She'll figure it out on her own when I start showing."
One of the hardest parts of struggling with infertility is you feel excluded from a biological rite of passage. Something that mothers in every grocery store, office, park, and movie theater can relate to and bond around--the birth story, the loss of last night's sleep because of teething, a misbehaving 5 year old, a wayward teen. No matter what class, race, socio-economic status, or religion, being a mom creates powerful commonalities. Not being a part of that can leave a person to feel ostracized.
So, what do you do?
If I were you, I would prayerfully consider how to share the wonderful news. I would prayerfully consider how to include her if that is what is what you want. I would be prepared for her joy and/or her sadness. I would be prepared to NOT TAKE HER REACTION PERSONALLY. Her reaction is not a reflection of you. Infertility is her burden to bear; her obstacle to overcome. We each have areas of our lives were we find difficulty; some areas of life are harder than others; some hardships last longer than others.
For me, it was best if I was allowed the opportunity to rejoice. Allowed the opportunity to be included. Allowed the opportunity to decide.
To Be Included
As someone who struggled with infertility, it was a powerfully bonding experience to have the opportunity to rejoice with others, to be actively included and not avoided like a pariah. One of my closest friends, Amy, was able to share the news about her pregnancy with me a couple of years ago.
She was able to share her news in a way that included me, in a way that did not make me feel like a second class female. She shared the news with both Erik and me in her home with such sincerity and joy. Her news was about her family. Her news was about her hopes and fears. It wasn't about me. That was so nice.
She did it without pity towards me. I get enough of that from myself. She treated me as if I were any other close friend that she has.
In another situation, I found out a close friend was pregnant through her neighbor's decorator. That hurt my feelings.
Now, some of you may be thinking, but this is my news. This should be about me. And, you are right. But, if you care for her, if you are her friend, you'll try to understand. Why someone else's good news can be hard for others seems so fruitless and illogical, but it is what it is.
I Don't Want to Tell Her
If you choose to not actively tell your friend, that is your choice. I would encourage you to be prayerful about that choice. Yes, this is her struggle . . . you are also her friend.
Another thing, don't insult your friend's intelligence by openly excluding her, especially if you have friends in common, whatever your choice is in how you share your news. I have known several times that a friend was pregnant before she shared the news or even knew that she was pregnant. Yes, it was hard, especially before I had Everett, to put myself in her shoes, understand what she was going through, and how her life's path and timeline has nothing to do with mine.
Include Her?
One of the most hurtful experiences--[yes, I understand it's my own choice to allow me to be hurt. But, nonetheless, I was still hurt.] A group of 5 ladies at church were gathered close together intently talking about stuff. Knowing several of them well, I walked over to join in on the conversation. As soon as I came up, there was the dreaded silence of crickets. They kind of stared at me until I went away . . . and then it hit me. I bet that they were all pregnant . . . two of them were open about their good news. The others weren't, which is fine. It was hard to know that my other friends were pregnant, and they didn't feel comfortable sharing that information with me.
One of the most growing experiences I had through this whole process was when I was invited to help throw a baby shower. I was in a new community, having just moved into the Franconia Ward boundaries (I miss you guys). No one had ever asked me to help with a shower, and this group of ladies didn't think that it would be weird to ask me to do something. FINALLY, I had a purpose for those occasions that I abhorred attending. I couldn't participate in most of the conversations, but I could participate in other ways and listen to those around me. This singular experience helped me so much in being able to better understand my role, what I had to offer a group of ladies in that environment.
I am sure that after I put this post out there that I will think of 100 ways to say all of this better. I was going to talk about the ooops pregnancy, but I find that I don't really know how best to handle that situation. I am sure the ooops pregnancy is hard for the person who finds herself pregnant unexpectedly, but the idea that someone would complain about it given that she knows the biology of how to get pregnant is beyond me. See, I am just not there yet. And, that is okay.
To end this, I would like to point out two scriptures. These two scriptures have helped me so much with my progression in understanding.
Mosiah 18:8-9
8 ". . . as ye are a desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort . . . ."
Matthew 6:25-34
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
I "Heart" One-a-Day Naps
We've been working with Everett, shifting his naps from two to one. It is a day by day thing. Some days, he needs two, some one. We have had two days in a row of one-a-days, and I LOVE IT!
We have more time to play, more time to get things accomplished, and still have that quiet time for us to focus on individual stuff: he works on sleep, I work on everything but sleep.
He was a total toddler today in Target. For the past week, he has basically lost all words and has regressed to a point he has never been at before verbally. . . . everything is "eh-eh-eh-eh" said in the most irritating sound possible and pointing with desperate need at what he wants. At Target he "eh-eh-eh-eh" every toy or object with color in sight, crying with a broken heart when we had to pass all the things he desired.
poor thing. And, I mean me.
All is well, and I am looking forward to picking him up after a sound sleep. His cheeks will be red, his hair will be messy, his face will be boogery, and he will be smiling.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Chills and Thrills
Erik: My Chill and Thrill is I just rolled off a project. I am chilled because it means looking for another project while looking for a job. It is thrilling because I am ready for something different.
Sheila: I don't really have a Chill. Everything is going okay, day by day. My Thrill is that it has been 3 days since Everett last threw up . . . he still has his cold, but he's been able to keep his cookies down even while coughing. He is also able to go DOWN stairs all by himself. I love it!
Everett: Did you know I got a horse? Well, and I am now off the bottle, mostly. Can't say whether it is a chill or a thrill, it just is.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Parenting Dilemna #100,001
Cough
Cold
Sniffles
Mucous
Sick
Vomit
Everywhere
Tired
Stinky
Everywhere
Laundry
Everywhere
Yuck
Dirty
Friday
Trashday
Trashday
HHhhmmm
Throw Away?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
A Hard Day
Today was a hard day.
I told my colleagues that I would be leaving as of February. Now, I may be able to stay connected to the work through some projects, which will be nice. But, the reason for my thoughts here was how hard I finally realized not coming to work would be. I've known that I would be quitting since September. I should have been prepared for telling the news. I wasn't. I almost burst into tears when I announced my departure to my group.
After telling them and going about the process of transitioning my work to others, I kept thinking,"This isn't what I had in mind for today. I just thought I would be working . . . not giving away my work."
You might ask: what's the big deal? You work for a government agency . . . what do you even do . . . you are a bureaucrat . . . you get frustrated with bureaucracy . . . But, every job has its drawbacks. I am engaged in my job, engaged by my colleagues, engaged by the work.
Not juggling being a mom and wife and employee will be a relief. Not having to balance childcare with bills with the costs of working will be a relief. And, don't you want to be at home with Everett?---My feelings are not in conflict with each other. I am just having to let go of a part of me that I have worked and developed and have relied on for almost two decades, that gainfully employed part of me. I am setting aside an environment, a skill set, a set of relationships where I know I am successful and that I enjoy.
I am also setting aside an area of my life that I am passionate about. For me, it isn't like I am stopping a routine behavior. I am being pushed to find ways to fulfill my passions about education and children in different ways, other than my work, ways that I am unsure about right now.
And I am sad.
I had a conversation with a dear colleague about why to even stay at a job . . . is it the intellectual challenge, the money, the prestige, or the relationships? What makes or breaks a job for you? I bet it is tied to how well you respect or get along with your colleagues. It is for me.
Human nature doesn't come with an off or on switch. I know that we use the metaphor of "wearing many hats" to describe the roles that we fulfill in our homes, our jobs, and our communities. But, even when we switch roles, we don't leave the other roles behind, they come with us. I won't be able to turn off this part of me; I'll have to channel it in other avenues.
When teaching, at the end of every school year, I had a hard time with the "end" . . . the part where I said goodbye to my pint-sized colleagues. It was bittersweet to see my students leave so much older than when they entered my classroom. It was bittersweet that some other teachers would get to know them as I had and learn to enjoy their senses of humor and their varied idiosyncrasies. (Bet you didn't know I was the jealous type.)
This parting is also bittersweet. I will be able to spend more time with my son. I will be able to challenge myself in ways that I have not had an opportunity to before now. And I am sad.
I told my colleagues that I would be leaving as of February. Now, I may be able to stay connected to the work through some projects, which will be nice. But, the reason for my thoughts here was how hard I finally realized not coming to work would be. I've known that I would be quitting since September. I should have been prepared for telling the news. I wasn't. I almost burst into tears when I announced my departure to my group.
After telling them and going about the process of transitioning my work to others, I kept thinking,"This isn't what I had in mind for today. I just thought I would be working . . . not giving away my work."
You might ask: what's the big deal? You work for a government agency . . . what do you even do . . . you are a bureaucrat . . . you get frustrated with bureaucracy . . . But, every job has its drawbacks. I am engaged in my job, engaged by my colleagues, engaged by the work.
Not juggling being a mom and wife and employee will be a relief. Not having to balance childcare with bills with the costs of working will be a relief. And, don't you want to be at home with Everett?---My feelings are not in conflict with each other. I am just having to let go of a part of me that I have worked and developed and have relied on for almost two decades, that gainfully employed part of me. I am setting aside an environment, a skill set, a set of relationships where I know I am successful and that I enjoy.
I am also setting aside an area of my life that I am passionate about. For me, it isn't like I am stopping a routine behavior. I am being pushed to find ways to fulfill my passions about education and children in different ways, other than my work, ways that I am unsure about right now.
And I am sad.
I had a conversation with a dear colleague about why to even stay at a job . . . is it the intellectual challenge, the money, the prestige, or the relationships? What makes or breaks a job for you? I bet it is tied to how well you respect or get along with your colleagues. It is for me.
Human nature doesn't come with an off or on switch. I know that we use the metaphor of "wearing many hats" to describe the roles that we fulfill in our homes, our jobs, and our communities. But, even when we switch roles, we don't leave the other roles behind, they come with us. I won't be able to turn off this part of me; I'll have to channel it in other avenues.
When teaching, at the end of every school year, I had a hard time with the "end" . . . the part where I said goodbye to my pint-sized colleagues. It was bittersweet to see my students leave so much older than when they entered my classroom. It was bittersweet that some other teachers would get to know them as I had and learn to enjoy their senses of humor and their varied idiosyncrasies. (Bet you didn't know I was the jealous type.)
This parting is also bittersweet. I will be able to spend more time with my son. I will be able to challenge myself in ways that I have not had an opportunity to before now. And I am sad.
Fertility Quest: SHOTS
Injection Style
So, I just completed the first round of bloodwork for this next round of IVF. I went to the lab, and as I was sitting in that weird padded armchair ready for them to wrap the rubber strap above my elbow, I started to have flashbacks and really analyzed the crooks of my elbows.
There are lots and lots of pock marks. Because, you get lots and lots of vials of blood taken from you when you prepare for and go through this process. Also, the doctors commonly prescribe baby aspirin while you are on the prescribed hormone injections . . . so you bruise easily.
Take a look at your own "crook in the elbow" . . . do you have a favorite sight for when the lab needs to take a blood sample . . . well, through this process you rotate your arms so they aren't taking blood from the same arm two days in a row, and the "favor" is no more, and both sides are bruised . . . don't get me started on the duct tape that disguises itself as painless tape for that stupid cottonball that goes over the injection site after the blood is collected. And you don't dare to refuse the cottonball torture because you are bleeding, remember you are on baby aspirin--which acts as a blood thinner.
This time around the injections won't be as intense. I won't have to administer any of the shots in my belly (last time I was giving myself upwards of 4 shots per day). I will have to get two Intramuscular (IM) shots, instead of one, each day. That means big needles, and the shots go in the butt, people. Erik was the shot administer for me for those shots and will be this next time. I was reading through my journal and came across my entry for when we went to the "Shot Class" so we could learn how to administer all this medication.
So I share a flashback from my past:
January 2006
As we begin the invitro experience--we were required to attend a class to learn how to give shots or injections. Our class was at the DC office and there were two other couples.
The training basically consisted of learning how to read the dosage, draw the serum, and inject--some included mixing the serum and we were able to practice that as well as practice a bit of "sticking" a pad of rubber (like a pad of rubber is really like my belly or butt)--well, about halfway through the class, Erik turns to me and says,"Can you get me a glass of water?"
"WHAT!?! We are learning how *I* will be poked endlessly over the next 8 weeks and you want me to get you a GLASS OF WATER during the class?" is what I thought to myself.
I had no idea why I needed to do this because he was closest to the door. I said,"no."---and then I started to watch him. I had no idea that he was about to faint--luckily, he next asked the nurse who was teaching the class, and she immediately responded.
Poor Erik! He was pale and his lips were blue.
Despite the queasiness, he handled the 8+ weeks of IM shots like a champ! He is also the one in charge of working with the pharmacy to get the serums and needles. Most of the serum has to be "cooled" and in the fridge at all times. And, you also get to have one of those cool sharps (or needle) trashbins that you take back to the doctor when it is full.
So, I just completed the first round of bloodwork for this next round of IVF. I went to the lab, and as I was sitting in that weird padded armchair ready for them to wrap the rubber strap above my elbow, I started to have flashbacks and really analyzed the crooks of my elbows.
There are lots and lots of pock marks. Because, you get lots and lots of vials of blood taken from you when you prepare for and go through this process. Also, the doctors commonly prescribe baby aspirin while you are on the prescribed hormone injections . . . so you bruise easily.
Take a look at your own "crook in the elbow" . . . do you have a favorite sight for when the lab needs to take a blood sample . . . well, through this process you rotate your arms so they aren't taking blood from the same arm two days in a row, and the "favor" is no more, and both sides are bruised . . . don't get me started on the duct tape that disguises itself as painless tape for that stupid cottonball that goes over the injection site after the blood is collected. And you don't dare to refuse the cottonball torture because you are bleeding, remember you are on baby aspirin--which acts as a blood thinner.
This time around the injections won't be as intense. I won't have to administer any of the shots in my belly (last time I was giving myself upwards of 4 shots per day). I will have to get two Intramuscular (IM) shots, instead of one, each day. That means big needles, and the shots go in the butt, people. Erik was the shot administer for me for those shots and will be this next time. I was reading through my journal and came across my entry for when we went to the "Shot Class" so we could learn how to administer all this medication.
So I share a flashback from my past:
January 2006
As we begin the invitro experience--we were required to attend a class to learn how to give shots or injections. Our class was at the DC office and there were two other couples.
The training basically consisted of learning how to read the dosage, draw the serum, and inject--some included mixing the serum and we were able to practice that as well as practice a bit of "sticking" a pad of rubber (like a pad of rubber is really like my belly or butt)--well, about halfway through the class, Erik turns to me and says,"Can you get me a glass of water?"
"WHAT!?! We are learning how *I* will be poked endlessly over the next 8 weeks and you want me to get you a GLASS OF WATER during the class?" is what I thought to myself.
I had no idea why I needed to do this because he was closest to the door. I said,"no."---and then I started to watch him. I had no idea that he was about to faint--luckily, he next asked the nurse who was teaching the class, and she immediately responded.
Poor Erik! He was pale and his lips were blue.
Despite the queasiness, he handled the 8+ weeks of IM shots like a champ! He is also the one in charge of working with the pharmacy to get the serums and needles. Most of the serum has to be "cooled" and in the fridge at all times. And, you also get to have one of those cool sharps (or needle) trashbins that you take back to the doctor when it is full.
Another flashback: I was working full time and participating in a fellowship when I went through IVF in 2006. I was pretty busy. I wanted to be. I wanted my life to be so full that if the IVF attempt was unsuccessful I wasn't wrapping who I was around that result.
This morning, after a late night for the fellowship, I was late getting to the bus stop. This morning was one of those mornings where the meetings and the load at work was stacked--grantee meetings scheduled, I was in charge of today's Brown Bag discussion, and I am still working on getting a document to clearance. I had to get to work ASAP. As I was parking my car at the bus stop, I saw that the bus to the Metro was pulling out to leave. Like any decent public transportation participant, I RAN to catch it . . .
. . . and then I had to stop because my butt hurt soooo bad. The bruises from the shots were so sensitive that RUNNING hurt me, really hurt. Standing there, watching the bus go by, and realizing how late I was going to be, I started laughing (my funny laugh, not my maniacal hysteria laugh). I laughed because who would even entertain the thought of telling the boss that "my butt was too sore to catch the bus" as the excuse for being late to work because I was seriously thinking about it.
Monday, January 21, 2008
We Went to NYC and Came Back With a Horse?
Once upon a time, in the wintry land of the nation's capital, a fine youngish family, the Sjolseths, decided to venture along the seashore to the land of New York City. Lord Erik, the patriarch of the Sjolseths, had familial connections in Port Washington, a short train ride from the land of Manhattan, and desired to see his relations at least once more before moving his family South.Lady Sheila, the mother in this family, suffered from a tiring illness like the consumption or Black Death but did not want to be a dead weight and so she rallied through the weekend to be a participant in the traveling festivities.
So it was on a cold and dark Friday evening, the Sjolseth family loaded up their Honda steed and drove the 270 miles to New York City arriving tired and weathered early Saturday morning complete with cold remedies, blankets, and the fine ingredients for crepes and fajitas.
Saturday morning beamed upon the young family as each one woke in his or her time. Squire Everett, the young son of the family, did not sleep well the previous evening and all had suffered for it. However, once awake the family was delighted to spend time with the Leonards, the esteemed family they were visiting. Lady Nadine, the lady of the house and cousin of Lord Erik, and Lord John with their sons Squires Zack and Luke welcomed the young Sjolseth family with amazing bagels and schmears, superior to all others they have eaten.
After a fine breakfast and untiring bouts of chase with the young boys, the young Sjolseth family ventured onto the train to visit the land of Manhattan. Squire Everett, delighted with his first ride on the train, bounced and rolled with the train.
The land of Manhattan never fails to impress Lady Sheila with its height, expanse, number of taxis available, and pace. Although a frequent visitor of NYC, Lady Sheila is always impressed as she walks and strolls along the numberless streets, eats at the varied eateries, and uses the hard to find bathroom (thank you Marriott).
The Sjolseths did take the wrong subway all the way to the land of Queens before arriving to their destination at 53rd and 3rd Avenue in the land of Manhattan. But, their flagged motivation was rallied after an excellent feast of Indian food complete with Peshwari Naan, a bread Lady Sheila has difficulty locating in her fair city.
After the delicious fare of Chicken Korma and Samosas, the family headed toward Ground Zero. Both Lord Erik and Lady Sheila had friends that were involved in the tragedy there, and they had not found the opportunity to visit that area since September 11th.
Sunday morning dawned, and the Sjolseths and Leonards dined on the finest crepes with Nutella ever to be made (slight exaggeration but they were good). Lord John built a fire in the Guardroom lasting all through the day and night, and the revelers migrated around this heat source through the day. After much lazying about, the ladies, lords and squires also prepared and partook of fajitas galore and were ready to sit back and watch the tournament of football between the New York Giants vs Green Bay Packers.
During the festivities there was moment for the cousins to discuss their family heritage and roots tracing all the way to the fjords. And, there was a light show heralded by Squire Zack highlighted with madcap aerial moves and color combinations.
During a lull in the activities, Squire Luke acted as minstrel with his Rocking Guitar, as he sung original lyrics full of valor and adventure, danced original moves daring the law of gravity, and bequeathed a show as never seen before in the land of Port Washington.
Watching the match with football aficionado and staunch fan Lord John was a highlight for Lady Sheila. As she is the eldest of four fair daughters, she never quite had the football expert to rely on to answer her questions. The riveting match between the lands of Green Bay and New York went into overtime, which caused much consternation and excitement in the Leonard's Guardroom. After the Packers met with defeat, all went to bed (except for Lady Sheila who coughed with anguish through the night--well, at least until the nighttime medication kicked in).
As the dawn of Monday broke across the land of Port Washington, Lord Erik and Squire Everett played with Squires Zack and Luke until it was time to part. Lady Nadine and Lord John equipped the Sjolseth family with fine tunics and infant barriers, which were accepted with much gratitude. The Sjolseth family enjoyed the Leonard family's company very much and look forward to the next visit full of much minstrelling and football tournamenting.
One final resting stop for the Sjolseth family was at The Cracker Barrel ("The Barrel" as Lord Erik calls it). After dining on Lady Sheila's style of comfort food, they perused the Country Store allowing time for all to use the privy. While strolling through the aisles, Squire Everett spied something that called to him, his true steed, a blonde rocking horse. In excitement he gestured wildly at it hoping Lady Sheila would heed his call.
Lady Sheila did. Immediately upon this rocking horse of adventure, Squire Everett began laughing and squealing with joy. After riding and enjoying the company of the horse, Lord Erik and Lady Sheila had to decide whether to bring the horse to their land or leave it in "The Barrel." As it was the first true preference that Squire Everett had shown, Lord Erik and Lady Sheila made the necessary trade of purse, and Squire Everett had his horse.
(Next, they'll have to get him a lightsaber, oops, lance.)
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
A song I performed countless times when I was a youth was entitled "How Will They Know" . . . talking about who will guide and teach the children. Kind of an odd song for a 12+ year old girl to sing.
Anyway, I think about that song when I decide what to read to Everett and what to discuss with Everett. I wanted to share a book we really enjoy given the reason for the Monday holiday.
And our favorite page:
Friday, January 18, 2008
New York City?
We are packing up our bags, my cold, cold medicine, Evy's favorite blanket (and a back-up), some delicious recipies and going to New York City.
If you want to see some great news froma friend--
Thursday, January 17, 2008
He Said MOM
He was eagerly awaiting the beginning of Man of La Mancha (?) and I needed to head to the bathroom.
Mom: Evy, I am going to go to the bathroom. If you need me I'll be in there.
Evy: Mom!
Ahh, the sweet memories. Rocking him to sleep, feeding him, his smile, and the fact that he first said mom in response to telling him I was going to the bathroom. sigh . . . what a life!
Mom: Evy, I am going to go to the bathroom. If you need me I'll be in there.
Evy: Mom!
Ahh, the sweet memories. Rocking him to sleep, feeding him, his smile, and the fact that he first said mom in response to telling him I was going to the bathroom. sigh . . . what a life!
Wes and Willy Shirt
Fertility Quest: Conversations
I don't have any news on our process, but I wanted to address something that has been on my mind lately. The conversations that I have with others. When people find out about our difficulties when getting pregnant there are a number of responses that occur . . . embarrassment, confusion, pity, and awkwardness name a few.
Thanks to my husband, I've learned that most people are well-meaning. Most people want you to be happy and want to help find your way to happiness (usually by doing the things that have made them happy).
Infertility (I read once) is someone's private hell. I'd say that was pretty accurate. It is emotionally draining, can be expensive many different ways, and others around you seem to have NO problems at all getting pregnant because no one talks about it if they do. It is more acceptable to talk about the Ooops pregnancy, which often makes things harder for those experiencing infertility.
Infertility is not a dinner conversation, unless you are at our house or are one of our friends. I thought I would put some lists out there about communication. What to say or not say, how to tell a friend that struggles with infertility that you are pregnant, and anything else that comes to mind in this process.
BTW, infertility is not a gossip topic and should not be treated as such. Some experience primary infertility (getting and staying pregnant for the first child), some experience secondary infertility (becoming pregnant again). Infertility is a private matter between a couple. Not the couple and the rest of the family. Not the couple and you. If the couple feels like sharing that experience, then treat it as if they were sharing something private and important, because it is.
Things Not To Say to Those Who Are Experiencing Infertility
The God Card
"I'm sure it will happen when God wants it to."
"You should probably pray harder."
"God probably wants you to learn a lesson."
"Maybe He is punishing you."
The Friend Card
"I had a friend who couldn't get pregnant because she was stressed. You should relax a little."
"A friend of mine adopted and two months later she became pregnant."
Readiness Card
"It will happen when you are ready."
"I think that it is great that you guys waited X years to have kids. You are probably more mature now."
Eat, Drink, and Be Merry Card
"You should enjoy not having kids. Kids make life harder."
"I wish I could sleep-in after a late night, but my 2 year old makes sure that I don't."
"All you need is a couple of glasses of wine."
The Interrogator Card
"Why don't you __________________?"
"Why don't you have kids yet?"
"Are you going to ever have kids?"
What CAN you say . . . when you know that a friend is struggling with infertility, in my experience, it is helpful to just put it out there that you want to be a support and that you want the couple to know that you are available. Don't expect them to take you up on the help, don't expect accolades for offering it up, don't expect them to share all the details of what they are going through, and be prepared to anty-up the support if they ask for it. And, don't plan their life for them.
I am having some difficulty in being more expressive about that last point, "plan their life for them." Here is an example: I have a hard time counting out the weeks and figuring out when my next baby "could arrive" . . . I've lived through too many unfulfilled "birth days" to feel comfortable doing that . . . and there is something that I dance around, HOPE. Hope is like a fleeting, flickering light that seems allusive but I know it is necessary. Why is hope hard? Because disappointment can be heartbreaking.
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
Thanks to my husband, I've learned that most people are well-meaning. Most people want you to be happy and want to help find your way to happiness (usually by doing the things that have made them happy).
Infertility (I read once) is someone's private hell. I'd say that was pretty accurate. It is emotionally draining, can be expensive many different ways, and others around you seem to have NO problems at all getting pregnant because no one talks about it if they do. It is more acceptable to talk about the Ooops pregnancy, which often makes things harder for those experiencing infertility.
Infertility is not a dinner conversation, unless you are at our house or are one of our friends. I thought I would put some lists out there about communication. What to say or not say, how to tell a friend that struggles with infertility that you are pregnant, and anything else that comes to mind in this process.
BTW, infertility is not a gossip topic and should not be treated as such. Some experience primary infertility (getting and staying pregnant for the first child), some experience secondary infertility (becoming pregnant again). Infertility is a private matter between a couple. Not the couple and the rest of the family. Not the couple and you. If the couple feels like sharing that experience, then treat it as if they were sharing something private and important, because it is.
Things Not To Say to Those Who Are Experiencing Infertility
The God Card
"I'm sure it will happen when God wants it to."
"You should probably pray harder."
"God probably wants you to learn a lesson."
"Maybe He is punishing you."
The Friend Card
"I had a friend who couldn't get pregnant because she was stressed. You should relax a little."
"A friend of mine adopted and two months later she became pregnant."
Readiness Card
"It will happen when you are ready."
"I think that it is great that you guys waited X years to have kids. You are probably more mature now."
Eat, Drink, and Be Merry Card
"You should enjoy not having kids. Kids make life harder."
"I wish I could sleep-in after a late night, but my 2 year old makes sure that I don't."
"All you need is a couple of glasses of wine."
The Interrogator Card
"Why don't you __________________?"
"Why don't you have kids yet?"
"Are you going to ever have kids?"
What CAN you say . . . when you know that a friend is struggling with infertility, in my experience, it is helpful to just put it out there that you want to be a support and that you want the couple to know that you are available. Don't expect them to take you up on the help, don't expect accolades for offering it up, don't expect them to share all the details of what they are going through, and be prepared to anty-up the support if they ask for it. And, don't plan their life for them.
I am having some difficulty in being more expressive about that last point, "plan their life for them." Here is an example: I have a hard time counting out the weeks and figuring out when my next baby "could arrive" . . . I've lived through too many unfulfilled "birth days" to feel comfortable doing that . . . and there is something that I dance around, HOPE. Hope is like a fleeting, flickering light that seems allusive but I know it is necessary. Why is hope hard? Because disappointment can be heartbreaking.
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association
Monday, January 14, 2008
Chills and Thrills
Sheila:
My Chill-Everett is sick. And the Prelude is dead.
My Thrill-I was able to visit a REAL live school with real LIVE children for work. I really enjoyed being back in a school around all those kids. I do miss teaching.
Everett:
I'm sick.
Erik:
My Chill-Everett is sick.
My Thrill-I feel like I am making some headway in finding a position in Austin or Dallas. I guess it is always "slow" until it is done and then it feels like it went super fast.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
The Sjolseth's TV
When we get to sit back and relax, we choose from the following: Psych--Because it is funny
Monk--Because Erik is Monkish
CSI (Sheila likes CSI:NY best out of all three.)--Because Sheila is going to be a Medical Examiner in her next life and she is trying to learn all she can now
Bones--Ditto, and because Erik likes to call out when he recognizes places in the show (the shows are based in DC)
The Office--Because it is funny and we have to find out if Michael ever gets his house with a picket fence and children laughing and playing . . .
Without a Trace--Because it is predictable but not as predictable as Law and Order (predictable means we solve it and get it right)
Cold Case--Because we like the "resolution" scenes at the very end
Extreme Home Makeover--Because it makes Erik cry
And, shows that are long past gone that we wished were still around:
Sheila's Pick: Knight Rider (They say it will be back . . . will it be the same if they don't get Hasselhoff?), Misfits of Science (It was on on Friday nights when I was in 5th grade and it didn't even last a whole season. sigh)
Erik's Pick: Different Strokes . . . that Arnold is so cute. "What you talkin'n about, Willis?"
A Bit Behind Note: We watch TV on the computer--it records the shows we select. I am sure this will continue to work until Everett has an interest in the TV and wants to have friends over to watch movies. Then we'll probably have to upgrade our family TV which is 11 years old. We figure we have at least 6 more years until then . . .
EEG: Untitled
Sometimes I wonder at untitled songs or albums. Is it untitled because the song writer was making a statement? Or did the editors just not fill that part in before it went to the printers? Well, I used to wonder. Even for the most talented writers, ah-hem, there are occasions where words are insufficient.
Everett's EEG was Friday at 12:30. They require that you arrive an hour ahead of time . . . to wait around in the office in case the baby goes to sleep on the way to the doctor because it is a sleep deprived EEG.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO KEEP HIM UP 3-4 HOURS THE NIGHT BEFORE, SKIP HIS MORNING NAP, AND THEN SOMEHOW ENTERTAIN HIM IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE FOR AN HOUR. (sorry for the yelling)
In fact we were both sleep deprived from Seizure Watch. I mean "butt stupid" tired . . . and I don't really even know what that means but am slightly aware that a classy person wouldn't say it. But, I am neither classy nor have had more than two hours of sleep in a row since Tuesday. Point Made.
One half-hour before the appointment, I had to give him prescription Benadryl. Have no idea how that is different than the over-the-counter stuff. I just follow the directions.
There wasn't a private place I could give him his medication. They told me to go out and give it to him in the waiting area . . . the waiting area for the building, not the doctor's office. I did, he threw-up, and boy did those chunks fly. And they flew all over the nice chocolate brown leather couch that we were sitting on . . . as people passed by each one oggling us. (I am sure I wasn't paranoid.)
Acid Reflux + Cold + Discomfort + Weird Medicine=THROW UP!!!
(My very scientific formula)
The readers of this blog aren't strangers to acid reflux and colds together causing throwing up for Everett. When it does happen in our family, I am usually at home and can change, throw him in the tub, and do a load of laundry--or think about doing one.
Panic mildly set in as I stripped down Everett trying to console him. I brought an extra outfit for him. Not for me. SIGH. How am I going to get both of us and the couch cleaned?----well, I won't exactly admit that he crawled around almost naked in the building's waiting area as I tried to clean up, and I won't exactly admit that I only left a chunk or two on the couch. I did my best.
I turned my shirt inside out and around so I wouldn't have to smell the throw up as strongly. I looked pretty cool and smelled mightily delicious. I was also able to clean the chunks out of my hair, but my hairdo just wasn't the same.
And, then the wait continued until our turn. We looked great(!), we smelled even better, he cried a lot (I wanted to join in), and strangely I felt like a silly woman with 2 large diaper bags sitting beside me in the waiting room. That room couldn't be big enough. Thank the heavens he did not have a huge running poop diaper right then and there, too.
After much praying, sending silent promises to heaven, giving that wretched medication, rocking him to sleep, pleading with him to sleep, silently threatening him to sleep, and thinking that I would just leave and not get this stupid thing done, Everett did fall asleep. The technician was able to put all the probes on his head. He slept without pulling them off and rolling over. We left relatively unscathed, smelling of sour milk, and acting drunk. Well, Everett was drunk from the drugs. mean drunk. (and he looked like he had rubbed honey all in his hair which was kind of cute)
Thankfully, we were able to pick Erik up in Crystal City (near the Pentagon), and Erik took Everett duty for a couple of hours.
EEG-DONE
We actually tried to get a good picture of Everett. I wasn't lying about being mean drunk.
If I had to describe the experience yesterday . . . horror doesn't begin to describe it. When taking an infant to a sleep deprived EEG, plan as if you are going on a flight and remember to bring an extra shirt for you.
Everett's EEG was Friday at 12:30. They require that you arrive an hour ahead of time . . . to wait around in the office in case the baby goes to sleep on the way to the doctor because it is a sleep deprived EEG.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO KEEP HIM UP 3-4 HOURS THE NIGHT BEFORE, SKIP HIS MORNING NAP, AND THEN SOMEHOW ENTERTAIN HIM IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE FOR AN HOUR. (sorry for the yelling)
In fact we were both sleep deprived from Seizure Watch. I mean "butt stupid" tired . . . and I don't really even know what that means but am slightly aware that a classy person wouldn't say it. But, I am neither classy nor have had more than two hours of sleep in a row since Tuesday. Point Made.
One half-hour before the appointment, I had to give him prescription Benadryl. Have no idea how that is different than the over-the-counter stuff. I just follow the directions.
There wasn't a private place I could give him his medication. They told me to go out and give it to him in the waiting area . . . the waiting area for the building, not the doctor's office. I did, he threw-up, and boy did those chunks fly. And they flew all over the nice chocolate brown leather couch that we were sitting on . . . as people passed by each one oggling us. (I am sure I wasn't paranoid.)
Acid Reflux + Cold + Discomfort + Weird Medicine=THROW UP!!!
(My very scientific formula)
The readers of this blog aren't strangers to acid reflux and colds together causing throwing up for Everett. When it does happen in our family, I am usually at home and can change, throw him in the tub, and do a load of laundry--or think about doing one.
Panic mildly set in as I stripped down Everett trying to console him. I brought an extra outfit for him. Not for me. SIGH. How am I going to get both of us and the couch cleaned?----well, I won't exactly admit that he crawled around almost naked in the building's waiting area as I tried to clean up, and I won't exactly admit that I only left a chunk or two on the couch. I did my best.
I turned my shirt inside out and around so I wouldn't have to smell the throw up as strongly. I looked pretty cool and smelled mightily delicious. I was also able to clean the chunks out of my hair, but my hairdo just wasn't the same.
And, then the wait continued until our turn. We looked great(!), we smelled even better, he cried a lot (I wanted to join in), and strangely I felt like a silly woman with 2 large diaper bags sitting beside me in the waiting room. That room couldn't be big enough. Thank the heavens he did not have a huge running poop diaper right then and there, too.
After much praying, sending silent promises to heaven, giving that wretched medication, rocking him to sleep, pleading with him to sleep, silently threatening him to sleep, and thinking that I would just leave and not get this stupid thing done, Everett did fall asleep. The technician was able to put all the probes on his head. He slept without pulling them off and rolling over. We left relatively unscathed, smelling of sour milk, and acting drunk. Well, Everett was drunk from the drugs. mean drunk. (and he looked like he had rubbed honey all in his hair which was kind of cute)
Thankfully, we were able to pick Erik up in Crystal City (near the Pentagon), and Erik took Everett duty for a couple of hours.
EEG-DONE
Had to take a picture
We actually tried to get a good picture of Everett. I wasn't lying about being mean drunk.
If I had to describe the experience yesterday . . . horror doesn't begin to describe it. When taking an infant to a sleep deprived EEG, plan as if you are going on a flight and remember to bring an extra shirt for you.
Friday, January 11, 2008
What Toothpaste?
I saw the following Thursday morning and thought,
"HHmm, I didn't know we had two toothpastes out."
We didn't. Do I have to tell you how I found out?
One more reason for Hazard Pay for Tall People.
Our Own Little Bob Ross
I remember as a child watching Bob Ross on PBS.
There was one episode where he scribbled all over a page and within five minutes he had turned that scribble into an amazing bunny. We are sure this is what Everett is working up to devising with his scribbles. . . . whether it is on the floor, on his little magnadoodles (we now even have one that just stays in the car), on his mom's chart at the doctor's office (the doctor said Everett was helping with the documentation)-or-
There was one episode where he scribbled all over a page and within five minutes he had turned that scribble into an amazing bunny. We are sure this is what Everett is working up to devising with his scribbles. . . . whether it is on the floor, on his little magnadoodles (we now even have one that just stays in the car), on his mom's chart at the doctor's office (the doctor said Everett was helping with the documentation)-or-
A Piece of Paper
His Face
Or His Mom's Face (No, you don't get to see a picture of that.)
If you are thinking that I must have time on my hands to (1) think of doing that and (2) do it, then, yes, we are on Seizure Watch and it is my turn to stay up all night. Lucky Me. It is 12:32 AM.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Evy Finally Shares Some Tricks
Everett's communication techniques are taking off, and he is building up his party tricks. I was able to get a couple of them on camera this afternoon. He is developing a cold; so, I was pretty surprised he played so well.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Cool Stuff . . . Fiction Books for the Younger Crowd and Me
When I was in fourth grade, Mom introduced me to Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. From that introduction on, I was hooked on books, especially fiction books. Over time, especially since I spent so much time with fourth graders later on in my career, children and young adult literature became my fave.
A Brief List of Cool Reads and Authors I Have In My Home Library
David Weisner is a storytelling rock star. He is so good that he doesn't even need to use words. Not surprisingly, his newest book scored a Caldecott medal last year (last year being 2007, people).
The Abhorsen Trilogy by Garth Nix (what a cool name). And the nice part is this guy is still writing. Of course, each time I finish one of his books I get impatient that the next one isn't ready right then for me to read.
The Giver, by Lois Lowry, and Gathering Blue
The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm, by Nancy Farmer
Bridge to Terabithia, by Katherine Paterson (and I did like the movie)
Kate and Sara Klise are sisters and are incredible, telling most of the story through mediums different than just straight narrative or dialogue.
Children's books by Eva Ibbotson
Books by Tamora Pierce
Karen Hesse who wrote Out of the Dust, I really like The Music of Dolphins
Pretty much anything by Daniel Pinkwater
Philip Pullman (yes, the "His Dark Materials" trilogy is great, I have no idea about the movie)
Homeless Bird, by Gloria Whelan (a fairly short book for the time crunched reader)
The newest fiction series that I have been totally hooked into is written by Stephanie Meyer. Now, there is always a part of me that automatically does what others aren't. So, I had heard that the Twilight Series was great from everyone that had read it. I finally gave in when one of my close friends had it in her home. I loved it, well, at least the first one. I read it once completely, then I read it again (just the dialogue) trying to really figure out how the author has hypnotized her readers into being so sucked into the story that some geek would read the book more than once. I have my ideas, but I wouldn't want to predispose you to my way of thinking. Find out for yourself.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Fertility Quest: Beginning of FET 2008
We have decided to share with you our experience in our upcoming Fertility Quest. I realize that some of the information may be uncomfortable for you because I am sharing a very personal part of our lives, but after much thought, debate, and discussion, we feel it is better for us--better for those who experience infertility--and better for those who don't understand what it is like to experience infertility, to share our experience.
We've gone through the "what ifs" of sharing this . . . what if we don't get pregnant, what if this offends someone, what if, what if. We strongly feel that none of the what ifs should prohibit these entries.
If you don't feel comfortable, then just skip reading the posts entitled "Fertility Quest." There will be about a dozen between now and June (I predict). I have decided to write it from the first person point of view. That detail may seem frivolous, but it is the harder one for me to take on as it is me speaking straight up . . . I know that this won't be easy for me, for us. So, here we go.
Some Background
Erik and I have been married for 11 years. After a very serious illness in 1999, I was left with one ovary and an extensive amount of scar tissue. I also experience symptoms similar to those who have polycystic ovarian syndrome. The cysts can be very painful. Thankfully, birth control pills can help alleviate that pain. After 8 years of trying to conceive, we were able to take a job that had fertility benefits. Everett was conceived through our first round of in vitro fertilization (IVF) in 2006. We are very lucky. Though the pregnancy was difficult, he was born on October 19th with minimal problems and we can't remember life without him in it.
Some Thoughts On Infertility--The Emotional Side
I hated baby showers. I hated Mother's Day. Whenever I heard that someone "got" pregnant, I would have a physical reaction. The feelings were never directed at those that were pregnant, but I was never big enough not to wonder "why not me?" I went through bouts of depression, anger, irritation, giving up on the process, feeling like it was because I wasn't worthy to be a mom or wouldn't be a good parent. In the culture of our religion the norm life for many of the women go like this: become 18, get married, have kids. I was openly criticized for gaining a graduate degree, for having a career, and for "putting money ahead of having children" (which wasn't true). Though I put all the verbs in the past tense, I do still have some residual, shall we say, negativity, about those who are judgemental and small minded about how other people live. I am still working through it, but it is still there.
Why a Fertility Quest?
In order to get pregnant, there would have to be extensive, expensive, emotionally draining things we would have to do. We had to DECIDE to get pregnant and have the strength to weather the days when I would have to give myself 4 shots, when Erik would have to give me shots in the bum, when I was so tummy swollen and bum sore--that I couldn't even run to catch the bus. All that because, we want to have a family.
Why Not Adoption?
Who said that going through fertility treatments means we won't adopt? We have been extremely prayerful in this process. There was a point in time where we were actively pursuing the adoption route, and we both started getting negative feelings whenever we were working on it. After more prayer, we were able to discern that in that point in time, fertility treatments were the route to take. That doesn't mean that in our life journey we won't adopt.
Where Are We Now?
Erik and I just completed the consult with our doctor, Dr. Widra. We will be going through a thawed embryo transfer. When we went through the IVF process in early 2006, we were lucky enough to have four decent embryos left to cryofreeze. (People, they grade the embryos like they grade diamonds. The science to help people get pregnant is incredible. I learned so much about the human body through all of this.)
We will be using two of the embryos (there is a 90% success rate in embryos successfully thawing) for our next "transfer" (when they transfer the embryos back to me).
When?
Over the next month, Erik and I will be going through lab work, "working" with the insurance company, calling doctors, faxing results, etc. Our Fertility Quest is hitting us hard core in February.
We've gone through the "what ifs" of sharing this . . . what if we don't get pregnant, what if this offends someone, what if, what if. We strongly feel that none of the what ifs should prohibit these entries.
If you don't feel comfortable, then just skip reading the posts entitled "Fertility Quest." There will be about a dozen between now and June (I predict). I have decided to write it from the first person point of view. That detail may seem frivolous, but it is the harder one for me to take on as it is me speaking straight up . . . I know that this won't be easy for me, for us. So, here we go.
Some Background
Erik and I have been married for 11 years. After a very serious illness in 1999, I was left with one ovary and an extensive amount of scar tissue. I also experience symptoms similar to those who have polycystic ovarian syndrome. The cysts can be very painful. Thankfully, birth control pills can help alleviate that pain. After 8 years of trying to conceive, we were able to take a job that had fertility benefits. Everett was conceived through our first round of in vitro fertilization (IVF) in 2006. We are very lucky. Though the pregnancy was difficult, he was born on October 19th with minimal problems and we can't remember life without him in it.
Some Thoughts On Infertility--The Emotional Side
I hated baby showers. I hated Mother's Day. Whenever I heard that someone "got" pregnant, I would have a physical reaction. The feelings were never directed at those that were pregnant, but I was never big enough not to wonder "why not me?" I went through bouts of depression, anger, irritation, giving up on the process, feeling like it was because I wasn't worthy to be a mom or wouldn't be a good parent. In the culture of our religion the norm life for many of the women go like this: become 18, get married, have kids. I was openly criticized for gaining a graduate degree, for having a career, and for "putting money ahead of having children" (which wasn't true). Though I put all the verbs in the past tense, I do still have some residual, shall we say, negativity, about those who are judgemental and small minded about how other people live. I am still working through it, but it is still there.
Why a Fertility Quest?
In order to get pregnant, there would have to be extensive, expensive, emotionally draining things we would have to do. We had to DECIDE to get pregnant and have the strength to weather the days when I would have to give myself 4 shots, when Erik would have to give me shots in the bum, when I was so tummy swollen and bum sore--that I couldn't even run to catch the bus. All that because, we want to have a family.
Why Not Adoption?
Who said that going through fertility treatments means we won't adopt? We have been extremely prayerful in this process. There was a point in time where we were actively pursuing the adoption route, and we both started getting negative feelings whenever we were working on it. After more prayer, we were able to discern that in that point in time, fertility treatments were the route to take. That doesn't mean that in our life journey we won't adopt.
Where Are We Now?
Erik and I just completed the consult with our doctor, Dr. Widra. We will be going through a thawed embryo transfer. When we went through the IVF process in early 2006, we were lucky enough to have four decent embryos left to cryofreeze. (People, they grade the embryos like they grade diamonds. The science to help people get pregnant is incredible. I learned so much about the human body through all of this.)
We will be using two of the embryos (there is a 90% success rate in embryos successfully thawing) for our next "transfer" (when they transfer the embryos back to me).
When?
Over the next month, Erik and I will be going through lab work, "working" with the insurance company, calling doctors, faxing results, etc. Our Fertility Quest is hitting us hard core in February.
Chills and Thrills
Erik: One of my Chills is I thought that Everett screwed up my nose by hitting it. I was really nervous about it until my doctor took a look at it this morning and said it was looking really good. My Thrills . . . it was especially warm today, and I am almost done with my current project at work.
Sheila: My Chill for the week was being irritated by something someone said. I am now over it, but it had me steamed. My Thrills . . . today was awesome. You could step outside and it felt good to breathe the air. My other Thrill is that Erik and I went on a real live date that included a dinner and a movie last week. Good times!
Everett: My Chill for the week is working out the whole getting around thing. I am trying to walk with only holding one hand, but I get scared lots. My Thrill for the week is basically whenever I see Dada, especially at the end of the day when he comes home. Seeing him makes me really happy.
Note: Everett had his first sleepover this past Saturday. We were watching another little boy, named Everett, while his parents went out on a date. The Everetts are pretty familiar with each other and Our Everett was SO excited to see his friend at our house. The Friend Everett (is this confusing?) was sad when his parents left, and so we tried to distract him and had to resort to food. Friend Everett wasn't interested. So, Our Everett tried to help by taking the food from me and saying, "Mmmmm," very pointedly toward his friend as if to say,"You should try it. It is really good!"
Thursday, January 03, 2008
The Evaluation, in Total
You would think I would have been completely ready for the evaluation therapists today, the day of Everett's evaluation to see if he qualifies for services.
Well, today was the day that I felt like the Soccer Mom who forgot to bring the snack for the kids at practice, and so I relied on 7 Eleven's variety of products for the fill in and decided on Oreos. And when I got to practice, the other Soccer Moms had definite opinions about the Oreos, and they weren't favorable.
I worked half a day. Coming out of the District felt like pushing clay through a straw. I finally made it to the car parked near a mall in Virginia, and I totally sat on I-66 for almost an hour. Thankfully, Michelle had Everett ready to go. We rushed home to meet the therapists and caseworker. The caseworker called while we were on our way home. They were waiting right outside the door. It was around 16 degrees today. Totally cold.
The therapy ladies were super nice. They interacted very well with Everett. While I am sitting on the floor with the therapists and answering questions, I kick myself because I didn't vacuum the floor. I am spying bug parts, chewed paper, bristles from the Christmas tree, a tail from a Goldfish cracker, and other assorted items all over the floor, every floor (I even spied a CAT whisker). [Insert total inward groan.]
However, other than that, the evaluation went well. Everett played with the ladies for almost two hours as they assessed his skills. His sharing skills were on super strong today. He was playing with a toy with me and two other ladies. Everett made sure to crawl over to the caseworker who was observing to make sure that she had a turn with a toy. He also made sure that all of us had a taste out of the cup and spoon that he was playing with . . . cooking, the therapist nicely called it. And, we all had a chance to play ball with Everett because he made sure we did.
Everett does qualify for services due to his gross motor development. He isn't terribly off the mark; so, we'll have a physical therapist come to the home once a month and work with us. We'll reevaluate in 6 months or sooner.
One of his strengths was in the social skill section. We've got an Erik II, people. Everett is totally interactive! BTW, I like Oreos.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
A Little Bit of Heaven
He found the back-up blanket in the wash (thankfully it was clean) . . . he had to have it . . . he slept peacefully with a blanket in each arm. Ah, our Linus! [Yes, he sleeps like this all the time, and, yes, this is the reason why his hair is always so bad when he wakes up.]
Cool Stuff . . . Food Focused
I love food. And I love to cook. I am best at baking and soups. Bit by bit I am attempting to master cuisines other than Texan. Being in DC allows me the chance to obtain all the ingredients quickly and afford-ably so that I can play with my food without hesitation.
When I across the Play with Your Food books by Saxton Freymann and Joost Elffers . . . I was hooked and enjoy using food, imagination, and toothpicks to replicate the humanlike faces in our inanimate veggies and fruits.
Here are a couple of websites I wander through:
Cupcakes--I really love them. More than the eating, I enjoy the design of them. A small working space creates just the right amount of challenge.
The first website I go to in order to search for the perfect recipe is epicurious.com. (I only use those recipes that have a four fork rating.) RecipeZaar is also a really great place.
For those dishes I come across and enjoy at those [gasp] chain restaurants, I check out Top Secret Recipes to see if it is listed for free (I am really cheap).
America's Test Kitchen is a TV show *and* a place online. There are some free recipes and videos. I like this particular show because they get to explaining the science behind the recipe which gives you information that you can generalize to other recipes.
Here is the host of America's Test Kitchen, Christopher Kimball, showing you the parts of the pig with their cool pig model. Why wasn't this part of my zoology class in college when we dissected pigs?
Here are a couple of the recipes that people most commonly ask to have:
Crepes
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1 cup flour
2 TBSP melted butter
1/4 tsp. salt
Mix all ingredients in a blender. Let stand about 30 minutes. (I also add a bit of vanilla if I am going to be using the crepes to make sweet crepes.)
Source: Hughes' Family
Chicken Enchilada Soup
2 tablespoons butter, margarine, or oil
1 cup onions, diced
¾ cup celery, diced
½ cup bell peppers, diced
1 ½ tablespoon of garlic, minced
8 cups of chicken stock
3 cups of cooked chicken, diced
2 14 ½ ounce cans whole tomatoes, coarsely chopped
¼ fresh lime juice
¼ cup fresh cilantro, minced
1 tablespoon fresh basil, minced
½ teaspoon cumin, ground
salt and pepper
Garnish: fried tortilla strips and grated jack cheese
Heat butter, margarine, or vegetable oil in a large soup pot. Sauté onions, celery, bell peppers, and garlic for 15 minutes over medium heat. Add stock and remaining ingredients. Simmer for 30 minutes. Salt and pepper to taste. Garnish with fried tortilla strips and cheese.
Sheila’s Notes:
- I add a can of corn to the pot. Also, I cook the soup for a couple of hours.
- I find that you often need more cumin. Just taste the soup to see if you need more.
- If you season the chicken with salt and pepper when the chicken is cooked, you do not need to add it to the soup.
Apple Pear Compote (from RecipeZaar)
4 ounces dry white wine
1 teaspoon honey
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
1 Granny Smith apple peeled, pared, and chopped
1 Macintosh apple peeled, pared, and chopped
10 ounces of pear peeled, pared, and chopped
frozen non-dairy whipped topping, thawed
In a large saucepan, combine wine, honey, vanilla, and spices. Cook over high heat until mixture boils. Add Granny Smith apple. Reduce heat and cook until liquid is reduced by half, about ten minutes. Add McIntosh apple and pear. Cook until fruit is tender and liquid is mostly evaporated and syrupy. Top with whipped topping and serve.
Sheila’s Notes:
- I use one pear instead of worrying about 10 ounces of pear.
- When I "chop" the fruit, I actually just slice it because I don't like it too mushy.
- I don't serve it with whipped topping. It is great to eat by itself or on pancakes or waffles.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year!
Despite our age and infirmities, we were able to celebrate bringing in 2008 along with the rest of the East Coast. We went over to the Hughes', put Everett to bed, saw the Wii in action, and watched a terribly, poorly constructed comedy, which we all enjoyed. While feasting on Amy's delicious cookies and our leftover junk food, we were able to stay awake long enough to see the ball drop on Times Square for the 100th time and ponder the legacy of Dick Clark.
Evy ready to sleep while Mom and Dad try not to fall asleep.Just after welcoming in 2008, Evy woke up and wanted to join the party. He got to go home and go back to sleep instead. Maybe next year.
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